Emotional Abuse

  This has been a very hard thing to share but a tremendously important topic to address because I think it is far more common than I was ever aware of. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship. And I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening to me. I thought I was going crazy. I could not react fast enough or ever seem to do anything right. Those of you who know me, know I am a pretty smart cookie. Beyond book smart, I think I am reasonably street smart. But it turns out, not smart enough, I just didn't see this coming.

   I want to share this, because in the last two weeks two other people in my life have come forward and acknowledged that they are in the same situation. First, I want to applaud your courage for having the strength to say " I don't know what the heck is going on here but I think I need help". Being a victim of emotional abuse has nothing to do with how smart or stupid you are. It has everything to do with becoming a victim of someone who needs to be in control to a pathological degree.

    There are some things I have read that really helped me that I would like to share with you in case you or someone you love are in an unsafe situation. Often the men involved lay a very thick foundation the first six months. They are passionate, attentive and you are swept off your feet. Then little by little, they change and this person you don't know starts to undermine and belittle the things that you do. What did I do? Well I just tried harder. But what you need to understand, is that you can never win. It will never be enough. If you do figure out the rules, they will simply change them. Because it is not about getting it right, it is all about control.

    Is someone demanding to read your emails? Checking your phone? Are you required to phone from a certain location or only associate with approved friends? These are all warning signs. The two women that came to me this week both talked about how upset they were with all of their so called friends who disappeared when this individual came into their life. They were angry and devastated by that. I explained that they don't actually leave, most of them anyway. They have backed out of your life because they can't support what is happening to you. They don't want to enable the relationship in any way. When you leave, they will rush back in to catch you and instead of hearing " I told you so" you will likely hear what I heard which was "Are you okay? God we were so worried about you! " No one has the right to violate your privacy, control your actions or your behaviour. As women, we have fought so long and hard for the right to control ourselves, why would you or I ever give that power up to another person?

    Both women confided in me that they were afraid to be alone. Alone is not so bad ladies, trust me. Someone is not better than no one when that someone is making you stand in front of the mirror and hate who you see.  Alone is simply an opportunity to spend some time falling in love with yourself. As much as I hate to repeat the cliche, until you love yourself, you have nothing to offer anyone else. At 41, I can tell you it really is true. Don't be afraid to sit in the silence and hear your own wisdom. You will figure out you are a pretty amazing person just as you are. A gift from God.

    Love celebrates the person you are. It doesn't need to remake or remodel you. I am not a "fixer upper" and neither are you. Honour the person you are, and simply acknowledge that if a relationship is not working, it is not about you being a bad person or me being a bad person, we are simply not a match. Move on, end of story. You can compromise what restaurants you like to eat in but you cannot compromise who you are as a person.

    Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is like riding a rollercoaster only a lot less fun. If you think you or someone you know might be in trouble, there is a great book out there by Dr. Susan Forward on the subject. Be careful. When leaving you must be quick and decisive. These relationships can very quickly escalate into physical abuse when the abuser feels like they are losing control of the situation. Do your research and get out safely. There are women's shelters that will help you regain control of your life and you can let the police know what is happening as early as you are able so that they can support you should you have difficulty once you have left. Be safe, and ask for help. There is no shame in being in this place. It is very hard to see it coming. I know.

    The part of the book that explained what happens the best, talked about slot machines in Vegas. That in the early stages of the relationship they make sure they are on their best behaviour. They are paying off all the time. Later it becomes a lot like gambling. You might see Mr. Charming one out of every dozen pulls on the one arm bandit, but it is just enough to convince you he is still in there somewhere. That is what keeps us stuck. Move on and find a relationship that is healthy and supportive. You deserve it!

   In love and light,
Kathryn