The Why of Vipassana- Dropping the Story

There is a simple beauty in this practice for me. Why? It doesn't involve the stories we love to tell so much about why we are who we are and who has hurt us and why we can't change.
We do a lot of work at the surface level of the mind telling our stories over and over again. Trying to dig into the why of what transpires in our lives.  Sharing our woundology with everyone we meet and often creating deep relationships with people who's woundology matches our own. We call it support.
And I believe it is part of the healing process, but it isn't the end.

I love several people in my life dealing with addictions. They spoke a lot about addictions within the framework of the course. The impurities of our minds responsible for our suffering don't sit lightly on the surface. They are part of the deeper framework of our minds. And as such we often don't know what the root of them is. It sits deep in the recesses of our minds.

Mr. Goenka speaks about the foundation. The Sila or morality being a must. All religions would agree. The foundation of everything is your moral compass. Samma-samadhi means right focus.
Beginning with breath. All things begin with breath. My yoga teacher Rameen used to say "without breath there is no life. Breath is the bridge between the mind and the body. "And it's true. For three days we did nothing but witness our own breath. Not alter, but witness. I found my mind wandering all over the place and I would gently bring it back to witnessing the breath. And after a while it wasn't so difficult. My monkey mind quietly slipped to the floor and I felt fully present. When body pain arose, we were asked to acknowledge it, and then come back to the breath. Bhavana-maya panna. Not book wisdom, but the wisdom arising from the experience of witnessing truth within my own body. Again I was reminded of Rameen encouraging us to take what we learned in Sattva and not accept it as truth until we had an experience of it in our own bodies. The truth of Dhamma, the law of impermanence, was easy to witness within the framework of my own body. And beautiful to behold on more than an intellectual level. When I first was able to watch my pain dissolve I wanted to cheer. I had only experienced it intensifying before. Never dissolving. I was intently focused on it as most of us are. Pulling back and observing had a very different quality to it.

Day three people began to cough and sniffle and I thought I am not getting sick. We are in close quarters and I know it is easy to transmit stuff via doorknobs, etc and so I became the hand washing nazi. My biggest frustration is taking time off of work to do these important courses and then getting sick. I feel like I don't get the most out of the course because I am struggling to be present. They had a big jar of vitamin C at the tea station and I started taking 10,000 units a day, five in the morning and 5 at night. By day 4 I was into a full on sinus infection and earache. I settled into the fact the last 6 days would be a struggle.

The manager of the facility stopped me in the hallway. "The teacher can see you are getting sick. How can we support you?" I was kind of stunned. I have never been asked this in a course I paid for let alone one that was free. "I think it is a sinus infection and earache so I probably need antibiotics, but I will be fine until the end of the course."
"Marie would like to see you at lunch so please put your name on the list to see her tomorrow. "

Our discourse that night was all about the samskaras. The seeds we sow in the future that are related to our cravings and aversions in the moment and it hit me hard. This illness was a seed I sowed a long time ago as my biggest aversion is getting sick in the middle of learning! I wanted to laugh out loud!
It rang so true. And in that, I am being asked to simply witness this illness and acknowledge that this too will pass. Everything is impermanent, and then it will be pulled out by the root and released.

I met Marie at noon the next day and she asked me how I was. "Did I need medication?" I told her what I believed to be true and she laughed. "That sounds about right. However, could they offer hot packs three times a day on the breaks and some fisherman's friend lozenges?" I was so grateful. Tears strained at the corners of my eyes as I looked up into her kind grandmotherly face. The care was so kind. So genuine. Or perhaps my perception was so altered because I was so open. So clear.
And every day, three times a day I would leave the meditation hall and find a hot pack in a tupperware container sitting on my slippers. I slept like a baby with the heat soothing my earaches. And I was able to stay very present.  Other like packages began to turn up on the slippers of other participants. We were held in a very loving space of care during this process.

I had begun this process expecting to suffer. A past student had told me, you will fight four days with your body, four days with your mind and then you will find spirit.

I met a girl at Bloom who had done it and I told her I was ready and what I had heard. "Don't go in like that ! " she said. "Who wants to go in with a story of suffering? Stay present. That is all I can share. Just be sure to stay present." Her advice was loving and accurate. I did not suffer. I did witness, and stay present. It was a balm to my soul instead of a marathon.

This is not a quick fix. It is a lifetime practice. But who wouldn't want to do this work when you realize it clears the path in front of you?
As we practice and become grounded in the present and in Dhamma, the Universal law of Impermanence, we cease to create new Samskaras. No more painful forrest growing on the road ahead. And then the old Samskaras begin to uproot themselves and arise to the surface. We experience them as pain in our bodies during meditation. We observe it, and then watch it shift and change until it moves on. It doesn't come up with a tag on it that says specifically " I am the samskara of addiction, or I am your anger over ...."
It simply uproots, and if we are willing to observe it and not react, releases us. There is no requirement for you to understand any more than the sensations occuring in your body. We are freed from our stories and our minds are purified in the process. This is the road to enlightenment.

Someone once asked Rameen in my Sattva training, " So how do we save the world?". "Do your work," he replied simply. "Yes, but after that, how do we change this for everyone else?"
"You can't" he replied. "you must simply do your own work, and in doing so you shift all of consciousness and others will wake up and do their own work too.".
Mr Goenka repeatedly said, "For all Buddha learned, he could only save one. Himself. And because of that he spent his life sharing this teaching, that each of us might wake up and do our own work. No one can save you, but you. No one can do your work for you. You must take responsibility for your own life." No truer words were ever spoken.

In love and light,
Kathryn

The Why of Vipassana - My Birthday

Day 3 was my 46th birthday.
Three's are about integration and four about listening to your universal compass ( heart ) and six is about joy and bliss. What a perfect process for this particular birthday!

My day started at 4:30 with two hours of meditation and a delicious breakfast of oatmeal, stewed prunes and raisin toast with jam. I don't know why but suddenly sitting, drinking my tea and eating I remembered that my Mom once told me stewed prunes were her favourite. It was a hospital thing I think, she was a nurse and there were two things she really liked. Stewed prunes and their liver and onions. Both sort of an easy institutional meal. Now I have never liked liver and onions, and I don't think I have ever had a stewed prune before but they were surprisingly good! And raisin toast is my Dad's favourite breakfast and therefore became one of ours. I am always trying to eat less bread so I hadn't had it in ages.

And the tears began to flow. Happy tears. Thinking of how lucky I have been to have these parents in my life, how perfect all the lessons were, easy and hard. And as I sat with salt water dripping into my oatmeal and stewed prunes I vowed that when they get old I will make sure that they have the things they enjoy. I will have endless mountains of raisin bread for my Dad and I will make stewed prunes from scratch for my mom. With each bite I felt the love overflowing in my body and I just sat in that.

I wondered for a moment what people might be thinking around me as I sat in silence in my own thoughts and then I smiled because there was no way to explain anyway. It didn't matter. I could sit in my own process without having to explain. It was beautiful. I finished my breakfast and went outside in the warm autumn air for a walk. It was a glorious day. I had been walking every day and the weather was gorgeous. Made me glad to be alive. And this day was special. I spotted a snake. I love garter snakes. Again inherited from my Dad. And I was quick enough to catch it! I got to spend an hour in the sun with this special creature winding it's way in and out of my hands.

I was dying to look up the spiritual significance of snakes like I always do but alas I had no phone. Later, I promised myself and went back to being present with my little friend. At last it was time to go in again, but at the next break I came out and I discovered a nest with a bunch of baby snakes in it!!
Jackpot!!! What a wonderful birthday gift!!!! I couldn't wait to get out and walk everyday to play with them.

I laughed because with all the talk about craving and aversion, I realized I began to crave to see the snakes. And then I make a different decision. Regardless of whether I saw them or not, I knew they were there. I wished them love and decided to be delighted either way. And about every second day it was warm enough that we shared space in the sun.

At dusk that night after supper I again went out for a walk knowing it would be getting chilly and my little friends would not be out, but the sunsets were spectacular and I loved the freshness of the air and the golden flickers of light as the sun dropped in the sky. I was making my way through the trees when I found a warm spot where the light still held the heat of the day. The sun was in my eyes and all of a sudden I realized there were a thousand spider threads all billowing out sideways from one of the trees. My human thought was "oh my God. It's a wonder I don't find more spiders in my hair!" But spirit said this is what it looks like to us. Everything is connected.

Years ago, my youngest son woke me up when I was sleeping. He said "Mommy you are talking in your sleep. You keep saying 'seek Brahma, connectedness in all things'". Now at that point I thought Brahma was a type of cow and nothing about that made sense. I sought wisdom from a close Indian friend. She asked her mother and her mother said it sounded like a Bal. A bal is a key, something you repeat like a mantra in meditation that allows you special access.  Now, I know Brahma is the creationary face of God. And wouldn't you know an hour later in the discourse that night they talked about Brahma. And connectedness. You just can't make this stuff up.

My understanding now is that whatever I do to you, I do also to myself. If I lash out in anger and shoot an arrow at you, I look down to see it coming out of my own chest. As I learn to purify my mind, and I heal myself, on some level I also heal the world. We are all connected.
I am grateful Brahma for this precious gift.
In love and light,
Kathryn

The Why of Vipassana- The Technique

So why 11 hours of meditation a day?

I have meditated for a long time. I can sit for two hours without an issue. And I like it. But I am not an angry person, or someone trying to navigate a lot of anxiety or anything else. I am pretty happy and peaceful. So it wasn't adding much.

I thought maybe it would increase my intuition. My ability to hear my inner voice. But even that was pretty much the same. And yet I am all about discipline. I wanted to practice. But I needed there to be a reason. An outcome.

Vipassana was the technique Buddha used to become enlightened. It was all but lost except for one teaching line which kept the technique pure for over 2500 years. I didn't know any more than that when I signed up. But it was enough to peak my interest.

I have taught an advanced meditation class on Buddha. He is an interesting dude. He recognized that we are born into suffering or "dukkha", it is the human condition. And he believed there was a way out of it. All of the teachings of the day, (and now actually in terms of religion) is that human suffering is created by craving and aversion. We either want something we don't have, or we have something we don't want. They all agree. We have 6 sense doors ( eyes, ears, smell, etc) and when an object comes in contact with the senses it results in one or the other. Craving or aversion. What no one got, was how to solve that. Many religions forbid the objects themselves thinking that if you never get tempted you can avoid suffering. I would say that has had limited success.

And crazier than that, when you have one craving or aversion you have to picture this. From that one craving or aversion, it is like you take that seed, toss it ahead of you on your path, and that seed creates a whole tree of craving or aversion that then over it's life has 1000 fruits each with 10,000 seeds. So from that one craving or aversion you have sown 10,000,000 cravings or aversions ahead of you on the path. These are called Samskaras. We sow the seeds of our own misery from the impurities within our minds.

Buddha sat beneath the Bodhi tree and decided he was not going to move a single muscle until he was enlightened. He would sit long enough that they could sweep away his bones if they had to. As a result he experienced a great deal of pain and sensation in his body and he realized that that as he stayed with them, they all came and went. Everything was impermanent. What is born dies. What goes up must come down. Nothing lasts. Suffering results from defilements in the mind and by becoming clean in one's actions, using right focus, we could experience wisdom arising from the body that begins to purify the mind.

In Vipassana we deal with a concept called Dhamma.  Dhamma as I understand it is the Universal Law of Impermanence.  Dhamma has three parts, the first is Sila or moral actions. The second is samma samadhi, or right focus, and the third is bhavana-maya panna or experienced wisdom.

There were 5 precepts we were asked to accept before the course ever started. They were as follows:
1. no killing of other beings ( read, this is a vegetarian experience and don't kill the flies)
2. no sexual misconduct ( read this is a celibate retreat, no messing with others or yourself lol)
3. no telling lies ( and in order to do this we will make it easy and just have you not speak)
4. no stealing
5. no intoxicants

I learned that these are what are called Sila. They are the foundation of one's moral code. The beginning of laying the foundation of the process. Students returning for a second course observe three more
6. no high and luxurious beds
7. no evening meal ( only tea)
8. no bodily adornments

The second piece is samma- samadhi. Right focus. This was the actual experiential portion of the course where we first began to observe our breath as it passed in and out. No words. Just observing the natural flow. It is easy to focus the mind using words but you realize quickly that soon the in and out don't actually match what you are doing. We are just asked to observe. And when we could do that we were asked to focus on the sensation arising in the triangle of the nose. A small area to begin to focus the mind. And then only the upper lip. Now 11 hours sounds like a lot but there were a lot of breaks and there was a lot to practice. It was very relaxing.

And what I began to notice was that good feelings would come and then inevitably pass, and so did any pain I had. When I focused on the pain, it intensified. Became almost unbearable. But when I followed the instructions and pulled back to observe it, I realized it was constantly moving. Always different and changing and then as quickly as it came, it would dissolve. It was fascinating. I have always had pain if I sit too long and I always shift positions only to find two minutes later everything hurts again. This was in incredible lesson for me. Wisdom.

Bhavana-maya panna. Experienced Wisdom. The understanding on an experiential level that all things are impermanent. I had this experience.

Now once you understand, and begin to practice the art of observing and not reacting, you stop creating new Samskaras. No new seeds are thrown out ahead of you, and the Samskaras will rise to the surface where they can be pulled out by the root. We begin to purify the mind by uprooting the impurities. The mind becomes stable and peaceful. There is huge significance to this in terms of addictions. Many things we do operate only at the surface levels of the mind. Vipassana works at the deeper levels to uproot these impurities and heal them.

One night during the discourse it really hit home. I almost lost both of my children in childbirth. One premature delivery two months early in our bedroom and one where my water broke at 18 weeks and resulted in a dramatic 128 day hospital stay. And when it was over, that fear of loss never went away. I was married to the medical examiner who would come home and tell me all the ways that children died. I became a neurotic mother, entering a room scanning for anything that could be a hazard to my children. At a crisis point, I had a moment of clarity where I remember having a firm conversation with myself. You can't live like this. What if one of them dies? Will you be the only mother who has ever lost a child? NO. Millions of women across the globe must navigate the death of their children. And you too will survive.

Mr Goenka, our teacher that night told a story of a woman who came to Buddha asking him to bring her child back to life. She had struggled to get pregnant and the boy died at 2. She would not let them take the body saying he was only sleeping. She begged Buddha to help her. He told her he would help her if she would go to the city and bring back a handful of sesame from a house where no one had died. She went door to door and all were willing to give her sesame, but every house had the death of a father, mother, aunt, uncle, brother or sister or grandparent. She covered the whole city and realized the lesson. Death comes to us all. She returned to Buddha and he instructed her in Dhamma and taught her Vipassana that she might be liberated from suffering.

Everything is impermanent. And the lesson is "be present". Enjoy what is here for this will also change. And in times of difficulty know, that this will also change. Nothing lasts.
Intellectually I know this lesson well. But experiencing it within my own body has brought an understanding I could not achieve through reading.

It is interesting how long the days are without the distraction of Facebook and computers and cell phones. How clear my mind was as I walked the garden free from it's usual chatter. The space around me was clean and expansive. I felt so peaceful. And yet I was doing the math, day 2, hmmm. that means 8 days left and then I snapped to attention. BE PRESENT was what I heard in my mind. Only this moment matters. And I let the counting go.
In love and light,
Kathryn

The Why of Vipassana - Part 1

"Why?"
"Why would you miss your birthday and Thanksgiving Dinner to spend 11 hours a day meditating and not talking with a bunch of strangers?"
And then a slight confused tilt of the head as they waited for the reply.

It isn't the first question like this I have fielded.
My other favourite is "You fast for Ramadan? But you aren't Muslim, right?"
"Right." Smile.

How do you explain that once you begin to hear your own inner voice, that the directions get clearer than anything on the outside? That even when the directions don't seem to make sense to anyone else, that your own experience has been that when you listen to that voice every thing flows in your life without effort.

Those of you who know me, know my life is rich in ritual. I have things I do to prepare for these experiences. I had a vision of driving down the four hours, listening to an audiobook, or listening to music and just letting my mind drift, enjoying the silence of my own company. And then I got the email. You have been added to the ride share list. Now it isn't that I don't believe in cooperation or sharing, but I didn't put my name on that list for a reason, and now I was stumped! It said originally that you needed to sign up to be on the list and at the bottom of my email it said "if wish to remove your name, text 108 to this number". Hmmmm. Who wants to text "NO" to a divine number? Not biting on that one. And that was how I met Carmen.

Now Carmen was out by Niton Junction out by Edson. "I am leaving at 10 am", I wrote in my email, "and I would be happy to meet you at the Starbucks near my house".  There. Boundaries set, ( which I am normally not very good at.) If I have to share a ride I can at least practice not letting my entire plan get changed. She wrote back that her ride to Edmonton had backed out and the only Greyhound once a day arrived not until 11:50am. It was a four hour drive and we were to be there no later than 5pm or they would give away your spot. Well after taking 2 weeks off and arranging everything else I wasn't willing to take that chance for someone I had never met! I explained the issue and she said she would look for another alternative.

I sat with myself and began to feel uncomfortable. Am I being too rigid with my boundaries? What is the lesson supposed to be here? I decided to email the Alberta Vipassana Foundation and tell them what was happening. After all they added me to the ride list. I asked if there might be a possibility of renegotiating the arrival time based on the issue as I would be very unhappy to lose my place and Carmen was looking at the possibility of having to cancel her course if we couldn't make it work. I had signed up almost 7 months ago and the possibility of cancelling would have been very upsetting to me and I assumed the same for her. The reply came within hours. "Please wait for her, absolutely we will renegotiate your arrival time." And moments later an email from Carmen saying she had come in a day early and would be staying overnight in Edmonton, ready to leave from the agreed spot at 10am.

l laughed to myself and wondered, was that an exercise simply in compassion for me? That when you can let go of your own agenda for a moment and consider someone else's situation, we will in the end let you do it the way you wanted? Funny.

It turns out Carmen is travelling from Germany and is a Physicist! We had an incredible conversation about quantam physics and spirituality that literally barely paused for the four hour trip. And several times I thought, I might have missed this if I had not trusted things were happening for a purpose.
I would not have wanted to miss that ride and that conversation for anything.

We arrived safely and checked in and they placed us in our room assignments. I got room 227, a number that for me is the reflection of relationship with self and the non local field. Perfect. And I was the only one without a room mate. Solitude. I felt grateful.

We had about an hour before silence was imposed and met a few other students. And then after a light supper it began. Men and women were separated in the building and our journey began.
In love and light,
Kathryn

Homeless- Angels Among Us

I don't know how to begin except to tell the story.
Some of you will think I am crazy, some foolish and some maybe, will come to understand. It matters not.
I am taking a teacher training of sorts. More of a life training really. A continuation of a journey I started some 15 years ago. It has been the gift of my life, digging for buried treasure within my own soul.  Sometimes the digging is deeper than I could ever imagine.

Saturday I spent 12 hours outside as a homeless person. I am a believer that it is impossible to truly be able to understand an experience, until you have lived it yourself. You can be compassionate, but you can't possibly relate to it in a real way.

I was given guidelines, including the fact I had to pee my pants and then wear them, and although I was with a partner, we were to stay within eye distance apart for safety, but this was not a "social" time. We doused ourselves with salmon oil out of a can I opened and I rubbed all my clothing in the dirt in our yard. It was not a contest to be the best dressed or dirtiest homeless person. It was about being uncomfortable in ways I would not usually be. We also had to beg.

I left home with my driver's license and my phone in case of emergency. My partners best friend emptied his pockets and handed me 50 cents in change. I was reluctant to take it, wanting to have the "real" experience. "Seed money" he said, "even homeless people have change."

We began our journey walking from 125 street to Churchill square which we figured was a safe destination as it is big, policed and well lit. We made an agreement, this friend and I, that whatever we begged for we would multiply by ten and donate to a homeless organization. We agreed that would push us out of our comfort zones to beg like our lives depended on it. One of the first few people we asked gave us change and then as we kept walking,  came after us to tell us that bus drivers would let us get on the bus if we were going in the direction of the Bissell Center even if we didn't have bus fare. She told us about the shelters for the night and the Mustard seed and Hope Missions. She was very helpful and kind. She told us that she runs a facebook page called "People Helping People" as a hobby. I vowed in my head to check it out and make a donation. We continued on with our blue recycling bag of bottles, picking them up when we saw them. When we asked for spare change, on average one out of seven people would help. The others would walk by and sometimes we could hear the change jingling in their pockets but they wouldn't even meet our eyes. Some walked by like they didn't hear us. We were invisible.

It was a two hour walk and we passed the time with pleasant conversation. We were grateful the hurricane winds of the afternoon had died down and the temperature was almost pleasant.
We arrived at Churchill Square and looked around. We had thought to sit on grass instead of concrete, but realized the area it was in was not well protected or visible. We opted to sit on the concrete stands. I had purchased two wool army blankets, and I handed one to my friend and we separated a few yards. I walked to the top of the stands where I could see well anyone coming towards me. I didn't think about the fact there was no shelter. Newbie mistake.

As we sat quietly, we noticed a young family enter the square. A middle aged fair skinned man, a darker skinned lady and two small girls about 3 and 4 on scooters. I looked at my friend and laughed shrugging my shoulders, instantly going into judgment about what these parents were doing with little kids at this late hour.  Time went by and I realized how much I was enjoying watching them zooming around in their little pink coats. "You have beautiful daughters!" I called out. And he waved to me smiling. They played a while longer and they quietly rolled off the other end of the square and disappeared from our view.

The wind had picked up, and as rule bound as I am, I decided that sitting closer to my friend was going to be the only option to get warm. I moved to the side of the concrete wall and we laid down one of the wool blankets so we could sit on it and not have the heat sucked out of us and we shared the other wool blanket to break the wind. I had only a pair of one size fits all Safeway stretchy gloves, the kind you use in a pinch. I thought I had brought others but when we got dressed they were no where to be found. They were useless. My hands started to ache from the cold. The temperature was steadily dropping. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the family again. They were walking towards us. The man had something in his hands. As he got closer I saw they were ski gloves. Two pair. He smiled and handed them to us. "It's not much" he said" but it will help. I used to have blankets in my truck. I don't know why I took them out.... " We thanked him profusely and slipped on the gloves which stopped the heat from draining out through my aching hands, and they left.

Minutes later a young native girl with lots of jewelry wearing clip on hair, long nails and a hoodie with playing some sort of PSP game came up to us and plopped herself down across from us under the railing. She mumbled something to the effect of "Hi, I'm just going to join you for a sec, that okay?" And then she rambled into some discussion around the game, how she got it and did we know how to work it and then it was all just jibberish. Like she was talking in tongues. I realize now perhaps it was me as I slipped into judgment again and worried whether she was a drug addict, a prostitute, were we going to be recruited.... She was probably totally intelligible but I heard her speaking some other language because I wasn't present.

Suddenly like a switch went off, she looked right at me and said "we look out for each other out here. Watch for the new ones. The ones that need help. That's how it works out here. In the morning breakfast is at the COOP. We call it the coop. Ask anyone like us. They can direct you. You don't have to sleep out here. I will walk you to the women's shelter, get you settled for the night. There are places to sleep......" 30 minutes later, we had a blue print for survival. Complete with where to get a resume, temp work, clothing and snacks. She opened her purse and the only thing in it was a plastic bottle of strawberry boost. "Here" she said as she handed it to me "nothing worse than an empty stomach." I took it, heavy with the fact I was going to take this gift with my dinner barely digested in my stomach. My friend and I shared it gratefully, as she watched smiling.   "How did you get here? " I asked. "Do you have family here?"
"Yes and no. I used to steal. I changed but they still think of me like that. It's okay. 76% of the time I like my life. I have friends and freedom. The boys buy my nails and my hair. I got this new ring. Wanna hold it?"
 "How old are you?"
 " 34".
She handed my friend the rings off her chain and we looked at her treasure. As we were talking the family approached again from across the square arms filled with comforters, coffee, each child carrying a plastic bag. I lost it. I sobbed. The sight of this small family approaching with arms full, broke something open deep in my chest and I wept. "Don't cry" his wife said. "It's okay. Can I tuck you in?" And she took the comforters and with the loving touch of a mom, tucked them in around us against that cement wall. The man pulled a Safeway roast chicken out of the bag. "I ate the wings and legs for work, but there is still a lot here. "The rest of the bag had three sleeves of saltine crackers. Full. Two paper plates, cutlery, napkins. I couldn't see. The next thing I know he is handing us two huge 7/11 coffee and hot chocolate double cupped. "You can share", he said " if you like both. There are extra cups there. I thought you might like to try both.

We had offered our new friend an extra jacket we had with us and she had declined taking off her hoodie to sit on leaving her in a long sleeved shirt. "You got track pants? If you got track pants I'd take those. I like sweats." We didn't and she smiled and shrugged.  I had on three pairs of long underwear, my peed pants, a tshirt, a fleece shirt, a hoodie and my oil skinned jacket. And I was numb. She didn't even shiver, acclimatized to the cold. I offered to share the food and to share the coffee and she only accepted the coffee and as I poured half into the extra cup she took the cup and returned half of her half again back into mine. We thanked the family again and they left and then our friend jumped up and said "I am supposed to meet a friend.. I gotta go.. See you around" And she was gone. Our unlikely angel.

I couldn't seem to stem the flow of tears and we sat in silence eating the chicken for quite a long time. Both in our own thoughts in the glow of the street lights. And then we saw them again. This time the two small pink coated girls skipping ahead, again each with a plastic bag. The oldest handed my friend a bag full of about 20 granola bars. The smallest gave me her bag looking into my eyes very seriously as her Dad told me in a pinch you can get energy from those. It was a bag full of ketchup packets, sugars and condiments. I can't tell you the feeling in my soul at that moment. I simply don't have the words. The power of the kindness. The things that went through me. Every time I had ever walked by someone on the street, even when I legitimately had no cash in my purse. Did I look in their eyes? I would give anyone anything. I love to give.

I don't think I have ever truly understood what it was to receive until that moment. I will never forget their faces. Five faces I will carry to my grave. Five people I will give thanks for every night of my life. Five reminders of generosity. Love. Kindness. Humanity. Five Angels among us.

When they left we looked at the time. It was 1:45 am. We huddled together but apart under the blankets until the temp dropped to the point we just spooned under all of the blankets. I was so cold I couldn't stop my legs from shaking. The ground make the points of my hips ache like knives were being inserted there. We would try to shift and the night was endless. I remembered the girl telling us 3-5 am was the worst part of the night. The coldest. If it got too bad go down into the subway she said. At 5, we bundled up all our stuff and walked down the 40 steps to get to the bottom to find the door locked. But down in the quazi shelter it was warmer. So we spread our blankets and sat by the door. Twenty minutes later the transit cop showed up.

We smiled at him. "What's your story? " he asked.
My friend looked at him, and at me, and she told him the truth. We are taking a teacher training of sorts. To learn how to facilitate. And in order to do that and support people who have been homeless, we needed some experience of that to be able to understand. He leaned against the door as she unwound the tale of our night and our angels and he was moved. At the end he said "well you will have had the full homeless experience because I have to kick you out of this area! I can't let you stay here in the entrance. You can say you were kicked out of the subway!"
He unlocked the door and told us to come inside where it was warm. We were surprised and beyond grateful. He said just go and get yourself settled. I will be back.

It was warm. And as I settled my head onto that scratchy green blanket, on that smooth white subway tile, I was grateful. My body melted onto the hard floor and held it's own heat on that warm surface. The man came back and said " I told my crew. No one will bother you until you are done" and he smiled, waved and walked away disappearing down the white subway tiled tunnel. Another angel.

My friend took inventory of the gifts we had been given. We talked about the significance of the night. What we had felt. I learned the most important lesson I have had so far in my life. The power of simple kindness. Of love for humanity in all it's guises.

When I got home my partner was waiting and hevstripped off all my dirty clothes and helped me into a hot bath. I cried the whole time. He sat with me beside the tub as I told the story and shared with him that my friend thought the whole situation was so unbelievable that she thought out of worry he had paid someone to look after us that night. When she said it, I had a moment of wonder. But he does this work. And I know, no matter how worried, he would not have interfered with my learning. But it did sound like him. At one point in the night, the trees and the buildings and shadows created his face in the night, huge, but recognizable. And I stared at the figment of him peering down at me, keeping me safe for a long while. Beside him was the shape of a giant indian elephant that kept grazing as the wind blew whatever was acting as a trunk. Ganesha. The remover of obstacles. I gazed long with unfocused eyes at the gentle giant beside my man.

But it wasn't him. It was people without any attachment. Kind strangers. Who marked me forever.
Let go and let God. I was taught the greatest lesson, that when I can drop the illusion of controlling everything and am simply present, when I can allow myself to become an instrument of the divine, and let others simply do the same, Miracles are not only possible. They are everywhere. My life will never be the same.

Next weekend we are off to the homeless shelters with the comforters, gloves, our blankets, the money and anything else I can fit into my truck to share with those who shared everything they had with us. I will look everyone in the eye. And I will never leave the house without some money just for that purpose in my purse.

As I sat in that hot tub I looked down at the key around my neck. Earlier that day in another expanding exercise I had come across a sign in a shop. The sign said

"The Giving Key" Los Angeles
When you get this key you must give it away at some point to a person you feel needs the message. Then write us the story of why you gave it away.
We employ those who are looking to transition out of homelessness.

There had been only one key left. I bought it and put it around my neck, excited to give it away that night as part of the process. The night had been so different than I imagined it would be and I forgot. And as I sat thawing my limbs in that steaming bathtub, I turned it over. The message stamped into the key was the word FAITH in block letters.
And I realized the message was for me.
The key is faith. It remains around my neck, and will until it is time to give it away. For now that lesson is mine.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Domino 37.....

I got a divine invitation last night from Linda Crawford, that I thought was for coffee, and instead held an experience that was even sweeter. It was to attemd her community event around " the Art of Self Care". I sat in the company of six other women and Linda spoke about setting intentions, and more than that, beginning to have the awareness around living an intentional life.

She spoke about her dream to lead retreats for women in the Art of Self Care, and how that started with a backpack and a ticket to Bali on her own, much to the surprise of those around her. But she heeded the call that she heard deep in her heart and just began to put one foot ahead of the other and the doors began to swing open in front of her. At one point she found herself taking pictures at the retreat center and talking to herself as though the retreat was already in progress. Full on stepping into her manifestation and acting as though it had all come to pass. And it did. She has since done two incredible retreats and plans to do several more.

It lead us to a great group discussion about setting intentions. I have just completed an incredible training in Consciousness Coaching and so I think of intentions as Wishes. My mind went straight to a homework assignment my teacher had given me. She set me the task during one of our sessions to do 350 wishes.  It was a powerful experience for me. At first I thought, I don't have that many! She replied, "you have way more than that". So I set myself to the task.

Here was what I noticed.
1.  I wish for other people a lot. And way before I ever wished anything for myself. She had a very powerful observation around this. She said be careful wishing things for other people. If you are a very good manifestor, you could actually take someone off their path. If you want to wish something for someone, simply wish for whatever would serve their highest good. Leave it to the Universe to decide what that is.

2. In the beginning, I censored a lot of my wishes. That one was stupid, this one was selfish. You know the drill. They had to be pretty generic or I was judging my own wishes. The Wishes you wish have already been wished, she said. You just need to let them see daylight. The Universe knows what you would like because your thoughts are already energy whether you share them or not. Why not share them with intention? There are no silly wishes. And after you get to about 100 you stop caring about whether you think they are worthy or not and they just start to flow out of the end of the pen. You will be amazed at what shows up.

3. She asked me to simply witness how I felt when the following occurred. a) a wish came true,
b) a wish did not seem to get answered  or c) the answer was no.
This brought me to a funny theory. I call it Domino 37. Let me explain.

In the Circle last night one of the women shared that she simply doesn't set any intentions anymore. When they didn't come true, she felt punished. Like somehow she was unworthy of the good will of the Universe. When I heard that I wanted to cry. Nothing could be less true in my experience. You see the fine print we never read, says that what occurs will be in the highest good for all involved. What does that mean? It means sometimes the lesson is for you, and sometimes you are part of someone else's lesson, and you will not always know which it is. So sometimes a "no" will lead to a much better thing down the road that we can't see.

Domino 37 is the unknown domino. It is not the first one, the domino that starts it all, and it is not the splashy domino that leads to a daring drop or a hairpin turn. It is the domino somewhere in the middle that doesn't seem important. The domino no one would ever notice. But if that domino doesn't fall, the rest of the chain reaction can't happen. Wishing wishes is the same. You need to put them all out there. Do it with gusto! They are all important. You can't always see where they lead and because of that, you can't ever tell which wishes will get you where you hope to go.
Every wish matters, no matter how small or how silly you think it is. Just put it out there, because that simple act of faith in the Universe, is how it all works.

Love only,
Kat