The Golden Retreat- Quantum Leaps

   This past weekend was a turning point in my life. As you all know I have been exploring yoga and meditation over the past year. I found out about a retreat that was being held in Golden. I usually take someone with me but the dates didn't work for anyone. I couldn't get it out of my head, and finally I just signed up myself. It was a bit of a stretch as I knew I wouldn't know anyone there!

   The day before the retreat they sent out an email telling us that we should arrive at 4pm. I panicked a bit because I was working that day and could not reschedule patients on that short notice. No problem they said, just come when you can. I arrived Thursday night hungry and tired to greet the owner of the retreat who was very anxious that I was late! He sort of pushed me through the doorway of the main lodge and into an already in session meeting which promptly stopped when everyone looked up and saw me! Standing awkwardly still in my scrubs, a kind man jumped up and got me a cushion, they welcomed me and then went through the format of the retreat. My head was buzzing from having fasted all day and being a bit frazzled about being late. I don't think I retained a whole lot of that meeting!! LOL!

    When it was done, I met the girls I was staying in the cabin with who ended up being 6 friends from the Cootney area where I used to own a condo! We hit it off like a house on fire. Two other lovely ladies joined us later that night. My worries about going alone were long gone. It was a wonderful experience of meeting amazing new friends, laughing and visiting like we had known each other for years.

    The program was intense and amazing. We practiced yoga early in the morning for over 2 hours in the morning with very high energy, then had breakfast ( not me, fasting) had an hour off, 40 minute meditation and then a few hours of discussion, more lunch, another hour off, 40 minutes more meditation and another few hours of discussion before dinner and then one final meditation. During that yoga practice, as exhausted as I was, I was able to do moves I have never been able to do before.

    This weekend connected all the dots for me. My meditation practice has been progressing well but something was missing. My yoga was kind of hit and miss. Understanding the philosophy and meaning that connects the two was a priceless gift and has stirred a passion in my soul that I have not felt before. The instructor had taken the same path I had. Meditation first, and then Yoga although that was now his passion. He explained that together they are a divine force. I picture a great tree with a broad trunk stretching its branches into the air and it's roots into the earth. The meditation is the branches reaching upward into the sky, the prana, the life force, the connection with the divine. Yoga is like the aphana. The grounding connection. The roots that allow us to tap into the greater conciousness that flows beneath us all. One without the other is ultimately unbalanced. Yoga allows me to feel the edges of my fingertips. To find the edges of my container. I realize I live so much in my mind and my intellect, I am fairly disconnected from my physical body. I actually had a sensation the second day,  that the body I felt under my fingertips was changing. Transforming. Different somehow than the one I was familiar with.

   I know that years from now when I look back, this weekend will be marked as an epiphany . I feel full of gratitude and new awareness and I can't wait to see what is on it's way to me now. I have started a daily morning and night prana yama practice and my yoga room in my house is almost complete. My intention is to make daily practice a part of my life and watch as I burst into blossom.

   In love and light,

Kathryn

Relationship Mirrors

    I am smiling this morning. The Universe has an incredible sense of humour. And sometimes, the joke is on me! One of the lessons that has come up for me again ( I must not have quite got it the first time) is the lesson of relationship mirrors.

  The concept of relationship mirrors goes something like this. In a nutshell, what you call people out on is usually your stuff, not theirs. We cannot see something within another person or their behaviour if it does not first exist within us. If we didn't have it, we couldn't see it. Being aware enough to catch it in the moment is a whole nother deal. But even being able to see it after the fact, brings awareness and the possibility of doing things differently to be in better relationships. Isn't that the goal for all of us?

   I am very blessed in my life to be surrounded by so many profound teachers. I find myself getting clearer and clearer about speaking my truth and less worried about what others will think about that. Through this process of learning I realize I am less tempted to "fix" other people and more content to accept them just as they are. It has been another recurring theme for me of meeting people who somehow need to mold me or change things about me. I realize that at 41, it has taken me a lot of work to get where I am and that I truly like what I see when I look in the mirror. I am not a "fixer upper". I don't think any of us are. Each of us follows our own path in that neck high field of waving grass. All we can see is a see of heads when we scan the horizon, but rest assured at the feet of each, is a stone path to follow. And none but that person can see it.

That is the key. No one but you can tell if you are on your path, so don't let others try to direct you.  You are the only master of your ship. Learn to understand how Spirit communicates with you, and trust your own intuition.

   The mindful process for me is that it is so much easier to be the teacher than the student, and to be a true master, you must always remain both. You must be as open to learning about yourself as you are to teaching others.

     I had an amazing moment at the yoga meditation retreat I attended this weekend that spoke directly about that. I was on my way to meditate in the labyrinth when I spotted a white feather on the ground. For me that has always been a symbol from the divine. I never pass one by. Carrying my feather, I walked further on and a small stone caught my eye. I bent and picked it up. At the entrance to the labyrinth I paused and began a prayer of gratitude and in that instant I had the flash. It is to learn to live between the feather and the rock. The greatest lesson is that of balance. Balance in all things. To learn to live wide open. To burst into blossom. To receive as well as give, so as not to block the beautiful flow of abundance that wants to come to each one of us. To speak our truth and listen carefully to those that matter in our lives to be able to gain perspective. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. A difficult lesson for me in particular. Perhaps for all of us. I find in my own life I am usually still trying to be understood first. But I am working on it. A beautiful work in progress.

    I left my offerings, my rock and my feather in the center of the labyrinth in gratitude, but I took the beautiful insight I gained as my gift. In each and every relationship in my life, may my ears and my heart be open to hearing what you have to share without assuming I already know. For with that assumption, why would you even need to show up at all?

In love and light,

Kathryn

A Gentle Reminder....

Yesterday I received a gentle reminder about what Ramandan is supposed to be all about.

  It was the 17 day of August, 17 days through the fast. I am in the last three days of the portion of Ramadan that is about Forgiveness.

  I am a person who is very level tempered. It takes a lot for me to blow my top. I have a very long fuse but I go off like a red headed firecracker when I blow. Apparently I lost track of where I was on that fuse and lost my temper yesterday in a way that I was not proud of, especially considering what I am doing and why. I sat last night dissolving in tears feeling like a complete failure. I finally gave in to the relief of sleep.

   I dreamed about forgiveness and what it actually means. Forgiveness during Ramandan is about asking for and receiving. I have found this years fast very easy in terms of the food part. I feel great and my energy levels have been fine. I think where I have been less mindful was staying present in the spiritual portion. Yesterday was a reminder that it is not just about the food and the hunger. It is about being mindful of how we treat those around us every day.

   I apologized immediately to the person that I blew up at, and she is a very forgiving person. What I did yesterday could have been easily dealt with as a "Please don't do this again and here are my reasons". End of story. I realized what I was struggling with more was forgiving myself. And sadly, this would be a very uncommon occurance for me, not normal behaviour, so why the ease in forgiveness for others and the resistance to self forgiveness?

  I must be equally mindful how I treat myself along with how I treat others. Forgiveness must be absolute or it is not by definition, forgiveness. So today I start a new day with gratitude for the reminder to stay present with two days left of forgiveness in this process. And a new resolve to finish off the last ten days thinking about more than my growling stomach.

    Thank you for the gentle reminder. Write your hurts in the sand where the gentle surf will erase them with each new tide. Write your love in stone, so that it stands as a reminder forever. We are all so very precious.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Relationships- Why Can't You Make Me Happy?

  I have a dear friend who asked me for some relationship advice. It reminded me in a funny way of my own journey again ( funny how that keeps happening) so I thought I would share my experience and learning for what it is worth.

   We set out in this world as young adults programmed to look for a mate that has the components or strengths of personality that we perceive we ourselves lack. We are puzzle pieces looking for a matching edge. There is the perception that someone else will be able to fill that deep void, the longing that never stops trying to make itself heard.

   In the romance phase of relationships, we shotgun each other. Pull out all the stops, try everything to woo and win the other person. Those of you who have read the "Five Love Languages" will know what I mean. Once we have that person, we default back into whatever language speaks to us, without any regard for which of the five actually snagged our partner. Our gas tanks run empty because we are relying on partners for Diesel when they are supplying regular, and we are often doing the same. What good is random effort if we don't pay attention to what feeds the heart of the one we love? We get disillusioned. Disappointed. Angry and critical. How come these people are not living up to their end of the bargain? How come they are not making us happy?

   News flash everyone. It is not their job. Nor is it your job to make them happy. That little treat falls to each one of us for ourselves.

    My new feeling is that the best relationships are about being truly in service to another human being, and them to you. Let me qualify this. It does NOT mean I give up everything to make you happy or vice versa.

What it means is this. You can only be fully in service to another person if you yourself are whole. If you have looked after your own needs and your own learning and you are in a place of surrender. You cannot be in service to another when you are starving for affection, sex, needy or in any other state of lack. In a place of scarcity. In service comes from being in a place of abundance. Not necessarily material although that is nice, but spiritual abundance. 

    What I have realized in my own journey is that ultimately, there is just me. In a relationship, we dance, but we can never lose our individuality. We must learn to be whole all on our own. That is a process. We must learn to fill our own cup. To look after our own needs. Relying on others to do that leads only to heartache and disappointment. and yet that is what so many of us do. We look to find someone to fill the void and then lash out at them when they can't do the impossible. To be whole you must feel without need, without want, without criticism or fear. You must be able to look forward and say wow , I wonder what is on its way to me today with a smile and a light heart. knowing that God only sends you what is perfect in that moment. Whatever that is. Let go of anger, resentment, and realize we are all only imperfect humans. Mainly we run on fear and lack. Scarcity . There is not enough.

    But there is always, always, enough. 

    In a time where relationship failure is at a tremendously high rate, perhaps we need to return to center. Do a little work in our own back yards to grow an environment of abundance within. Only then can we hope to change that relationship dance, interestingly, only by beginning to change our own steps within that dance. Your partner cannot stay doing the same thing because by changing the way you behave, you have altered the dance. We can never control other people's behaviour. To try to do so is to vent energy outside your sphere of influence where you can never get it back. Change your own perception. Change your own view. Live and love from a place of wholeness.

  And let us truly experience love in service to one another.

 In love and light,

Kathryn

Pushing Out the Envelope- Comfort Zones

Definitely time for a post on this topic and it couldn't be a more pertinent period to do it!

  Ramadan. I am on day 6 of my fast. Have to say, way easier this year for some unknown reason. Perhaps it is because I have embraced it as my choice instead of an obligation. This year it is like an old friend come to visit me that I share my table and sup with. The quiet of the dawn when I slip downstairs in the dark and sit at my table breaking my fast. All the animals in my house know the routine, and from Bob the rabbit, to the two cats and Kody, we share an easy comfort and fellowship in those wee hours. My energy levels have been steady and my mind feels sharp and clear, as opposed to the lethargy I have experienced before.

  I even decided somewhat against my better judgement to attend yoga classes during this month. A friend asked me if that made it harder. During the yoga I would add, certainly yes. But interestingly, I am not hungrier or more tired the rest of the day. It is the same. I shake and sweat a bit more than usual during the class but I think that is simply the lack of accessible sugars and my body having to access it's ample stores.

  Meditation has become like slipping between silk sheets. I drop like a stone into the well. It is easy and effortless to keep my mind still. I understand now why fasting and meditation are linked. One facilitates the other.

  I am terribly afraid of heights for those of you who don't know me, and yet six days after my fast ends I will rappell 27 stories off of a building in Edmonton to raise money for disabled children. I figure it has been a while since I stretched beyond the limits of my comfort zone. And I have a dear friend who needs some help reclaiming her life after cancer. I hope to remind both of us and all of those who have chosen to join us that "each day's a gift and not a given right" as Nickelback sings. That none of us can count our tomorrows and that all that matters is the air in our lungs and the song on our lips and the love that we carry deep inside us that lights the way for others in this world.

   It is a Nickelback kind of day. "that first step you take, is the longest ride" will be the line running through my head as I lift my leg over that ledge and begin my descent. But know this, I will feel a thousand feet tall when I reach the bottom and that will be worth every drop of adrenaline.

  What small thing could you do today that would stretch the box that surrounds you. Your comfort zone. Say hello to a stranger? Offer some help? Laugh loud in a public place? Speak words that need to be said to someone you love? Will you do it?

   Excitement and fear are physiologically identical. Did you know that? Indistinguishable, one from the other. We choose. In every moment, we choose.

I choose life!

In love and light,
Kathryn

This Day....

In each moment that runs past the veil of my eyes

I can taste the rain falling, no time for good byes

the ring of their laughter sits sweet in my ears

and the warmth that surrounds melts away any tears

There's a longing I feel that burns deep in my soul

gently pulling me forward there's so far to go

and my feet find their footing on this gentle way

With each step I am stronger, prepared for this day

And inside me a fire that steadily grows

It is filling me up with a warm tender glow

that eclipses the sorrow, the heart break, the pain

Reminding my spirit of growth and of gain

In each moment of peace now where I lay my head

And I sleep wrapped in angels that lie in my bed

I give thanks in the darkness for each of my days

For this deep sense of knowing that comes when I pray

The sun with its playful heat licks on my skin

and the warmth in my hair makes me laugh from within

Wind plays around with me circling, dancing

Rejoicing that it's finally me I'm romancing

I lay on my back in the yard on the grass

thinking of days that remain in my past

And I realize that moment I have no more fear

That no matter what comes in this day or this year

I will take what you send me, embrace it, perform 

For I know what it takes now, how love can transform

I am making a space deep inside me that's growing

To hold all the conciousness, hold all the knowing

The gifts and the magic not lost to the past

Remark now I claim them as mine to the last

And I stand know before you upholding my sword

Clear how I wield it, and what my reward

My journey begins with a deep tender kiss

From the lips that have waited so long in their bliss

And the road lies before me, adventure to dare

but my courage won't fail me, my heart is quite rare

I step in the the river, so deep and so wide
As it rages around me and through me divine

The water, it purifies, changing each cell

Nourishing each from the Great concious well

 

My heart is wide open, no camouflage left

No words left unspoken, no emotions bereft

I leap forward with passion, with wildness, with glee

For in this day, I found

me

The Month of Fasting

  I believe that things come to us unbidden and in guises that we would never expect. I believe that in every experience there is a gift or lesson. Sometimes many more than we expect.

 

  Today I begin the month long fast that has become a part of my life over the past three years. Part of the endless rhythm that ebbs and flows within me.

"Why are you still doing this? " I have been asked.

Why do we do anything in life?

  Because for me it was never done for anyone but myself. Each time I did it was a personal exercise. A spiritual journey that I walked alone. Fasting has many interesting elements for me. I had never fasted prior to three years ago. I am a girl who likes her meals. At first I did it because it was significant to me to honor something that I believed in. As I learned more about it, it began to engage my heart and mind as well as my stomach. It became an exercise of accountability. Of sheer will. There are moments where I want to cheat so badly I can hardly stand it. No one would know but me. But therein lies the point. I would know. Isn't that all of life? Aren't there endless opportuties to lie and cheat and do things we know aren't right? Who is watching, do you think? Or, do you think? Life is about each moment that we choose to be accountable to whatever we hold as divine AND ourselves. This is one of the ways I have chosen  to be more aware and more accountable in my life.

  My dreams come more clearly and my meditations are powerful.  I drop like a rock into the space I normally struggle to reach. It makes me think, you know, century old practices have forgotten value. For as we have forgotten the mechanics of how to reach into the depth of our souls, so too did the practice if preparing the body for those journeys become unimportant. Fasting for me is the preparation of my spirit and my body to receive the blessings of life.

  The first three days of the fast are the most difficult as your body burns off it's glycogen stores. Then it gets easier.  I get up according to the times set for fajr ( which is the last minute you can put food or drink in your mouth for the day). Today that was 3:52am. Tonight I can break my fast again at 9:30pm. And then each day the morning time moves ahead a few minutes and the evening time the same. The fasting time gets shorter ending the last day with 4:56 and 8:30.

   For me it has become the time of year for spiritual, mental and physical cleansing. I drink more water at night, eat healthier, avoid pop and aspartame. You know. The things I have trouble avoiding the rest of the year. I am more concious of my thought patterns. I spend less time distracting myself, and more time listening. I am gentler with myself and others.

   The month of fasting from a spiritual perspective is divided into three distinct times. The first ten days are devoted to contemplation of mercy. The second ten days are devoted to forgiveness, and the last ten days which are supposed to be the most powerful because your body has been mostly purified are about redemtion. Three concepts which are very healing and necessary to the human race.

    The last thing I do at the end of my fast is make a donation to one of the foodbanks or related charities that feed Edmonton's poor and homeless. When I realized that if you miss a day of fasting the release was to feed the homeless, my first thought was "maybe I should just intentionally screw up some days and do both!LOL!! " My compromise was that I would stay true to my fast and instead offer up what I could to help those in need as a gift to myself for successfully completeing my fast.

Instead of a trial, it has become a time of year that I truly look forward to.

In love and light,

Kathryn