I have a dear friend who asked me for some relationship advice. It reminded me in a funny way of my own journey again ( funny how that keeps happening) so I thought I would share my experience and learning for what it is worth.
We set out in this world as young adults programmed to look for a mate that has the components or strengths of personality that we perceive we ourselves lack. We are puzzle pieces looking for a matching edge. There is the perception that someone else will be able to fill that deep void, the longing that never stops trying to make itself heard.
In the romance phase of relationships, we shotgun each other. Pull out all the stops, try everything to woo and win the other person. Those of you who have read the "Five Love Languages" will know what I mean. Once we have that person, we default back into whatever language speaks to us, without any regard for which of the five actually snagged our partner. Our gas tanks run empty because we are relying on partners for Diesel when they are supplying regular, and we are often doing the same. What good is random effort if we don't pay attention to what feeds the heart of the one we love? We get disillusioned. Disappointed. Angry and critical. How come these people are not living up to their end of the bargain? How come they are not making us happy?
News flash everyone. It is not their job. Nor is it your job to make them happy. That little treat falls to each one of us for ourselves.
My new feeling is that the best relationships are about being truly in service to another human being, and them to you. Let me qualify this. It does NOT mean I give up everything to make you happy or vice versa.
What it means is this. You can only be fully in service to another person if you yourself are whole. If you have looked after your own needs and your own learning and you are in a place of surrender. You cannot be in service to another when you are starving for affection, sex, needy or in any other state of lack. In a place of scarcity. In service comes from being in a place of abundance. Not necessarily material although that is nice, but spiritual abundance.
What I have realized in my own journey is that ultimately, there is just me. In a relationship, we dance, but we can never lose our individuality. We must learn to be whole all on our own. That is a process. We must learn to fill our own cup. To look after our own needs. Relying on others to do that leads only to heartache and disappointment. and yet that is what so many of us do. We look to find someone to fill the void and then lash out at them when they can't do the impossible. To be whole you must feel without need, without want, without criticism or fear. You must be able to look forward and say wow , I wonder what is on its way to me today with a smile and a light heart. knowing that God only sends you what is perfect in that moment. Whatever that is. Let go of anger, resentment, and realize we are all only imperfect humans. Mainly we run on fear and lack. Scarcity . There is not enough.
But there is always, always, enough.
In a time where relationship failure is at a tremendously high rate, perhaps we need to return to center. Do a little work in our own back yards to grow an environment of abundance within. Only then can we hope to change that relationship dance, interestingly, only by beginning to change our own steps within that dance. Your partner cannot stay doing the same thing because by changing the way you behave, you have altered the dance. We can never control other people's behaviour. To try to do so is to vent energy outside your sphere of influence where you can never get it back. Change your own perception. Change your own view. Live and love from a place of wholeness.
And let us truly experience love in service to one another.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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