There seems to be a lot of writing struggling to get out of me tonight, so here goes number 3.
What is it about the age 38 for women?
I had a very interesting conversation with my mom the other day. We were talking about generational feelings about gender roles. I have many friends just a bit younger than me (38) who are struggling with feeling quite trapped in their lives. And I have seen it happen over and over. It was the age it happened to me. I remember having that discussion with my mom when I was 38. I was dealing with huge growth in my business, I had young kids and I felt like I was drowning under the weight of trying to be a full time mom, full time manager and full time dentist. Not to mention wife! I felt trapped.
My mom's advice to me was very good humoured at the time. "This is not a Normal Rockwell painting " she said, "this is just a time to survive. Anyone who tells you different hasn't lived through it. Kids at this age are at their most demanding, and it seems like in this generation you are often close to the seven year itch in your marriage at the very same time. Things get routine, the initial fire of passion has turned to glowing embers. Add all that together and no wonder you feel like you do! Just hang in there a while longer and it gets easier."
She was right. It did. My relationship didn`t last, but that feeling of being trapped did pass. I think it is very normal and in talking to lots of girlfriends it seems almost a right of passage. Little by little the kids get more independent and are more engaged in their own lives and the pressure cooker of our daily lives eases to a simmer.
My mom had a funny comment that did really make me think though. She said the guys of their generation didn`t help nearly as much as the men of our generation do, but the comments from the women are all the same as they were when she was our age. I wonder if it is because most of us have added full time careers on top of motherhood and wifedom and so even with the added help, the scale still feels out of balance.
I wouldn`t give up my career for all the tea in China. I realized early on I was not a domestic goddess ( I am apparently a water goddess instead LOL ), and that my children would be happier with a mother who was not stressed out and depressed doing something she clearly was not cut out to do, which was stay home and be a house wife. In fact I found the most amazing counterpart who has been our third parent in this family for over 10 years. My realization was that no one can do all of these jobs on their own. Everyone needs a wife! And mine is fantastic. Together working full on, I hope that we come somewhat close to what my mother managed to offer us as kids. But believe me, it takes two of us. I don`t know how my mom managed what she did on her own and still managed to keep her amazing sense of humour. I think the tough thing is that I have been blessed with a career that provided enough income that I could afford help. I have a lot of friends who have all the same stresses without the ability I have had to change my situation.
I think wanting to find some escape from all the demands is very normal. How we choose to do that is the important part. Maybe we find some small escapes where we can recharge, where we can remember who we are, and why we have chosen this path. I think the important part is to remember that we did choose it. That it is an important part of our learning and that what we resist, persists. Part of the maturity of relationships is understanding that they go through a very natural evolution. That there is pretty much a template we all unknowingly follow. I know women who get addicted to the chase but you have to keep changing relationships fairly regularly to keep that alive because it doesn`t last. It can`t last at that intensity.
My mom can tell you that the gift in understanding that relationship maturity is that there are always ups and downs in life, always a million roads we can take. It is all about what we choose to see. The gifts we choose to give and receive. And ultimately, we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. I think the best we can all hope for us to end up across from our best friend, with our sanity still in tact and our kids launched. That`s not too much to ask for, is it......
In love and light,
Kathryn
What is it about the age 38 for women?
I had a very interesting conversation with my mom the other day. We were talking about generational feelings about gender roles. I have many friends just a bit younger than me (38) who are struggling with feeling quite trapped in their lives. And I have seen it happen over and over. It was the age it happened to me. I remember having that discussion with my mom when I was 38. I was dealing with huge growth in my business, I had young kids and I felt like I was drowning under the weight of trying to be a full time mom, full time manager and full time dentist. Not to mention wife! I felt trapped.
My mom's advice to me was very good humoured at the time. "This is not a Normal Rockwell painting " she said, "this is just a time to survive. Anyone who tells you different hasn't lived through it. Kids at this age are at their most demanding, and it seems like in this generation you are often close to the seven year itch in your marriage at the very same time. Things get routine, the initial fire of passion has turned to glowing embers. Add all that together and no wonder you feel like you do! Just hang in there a while longer and it gets easier."
She was right. It did. My relationship didn`t last, but that feeling of being trapped did pass. I think it is very normal and in talking to lots of girlfriends it seems almost a right of passage. Little by little the kids get more independent and are more engaged in their own lives and the pressure cooker of our daily lives eases to a simmer.
My mom had a funny comment that did really make me think though. She said the guys of their generation didn`t help nearly as much as the men of our generation do, but the comments from the women are all the same as they were when she was our age. I wonder if it is because most of us have added full time careers on top of motherhood and wifedom and so even with the added help, the scale still feels out of balance.
I wouldn`t give up my career for all the tea in China. I realized early on I was not a domestic goddess ( I am apparently a water goddess instead LOL ), and that my children would be happier with a mother who was not stressed out and depressed doing something she clearly was not cut out to do, which was stay home and be a house wife. In fact I found the most amazing counterpart who has been our third parent in this family for over 10 years. My realization was that no one can do all of these jobs on their own. Everyone needs a wife! And mine is fantastic. Together working full on, I hope that we come somewhat close to what my mother managed to offer us as kids. But believe me, it takes two of us. I don`t know how my mom managed what she did on her own and still managed to keep her amazing sense of humour. I think the tough thing is that I have been blessed with a career that provided enough income that I could afford help. I have a lot of friends who have all the same stresses without the ability I have had to change my situation.
I think wanting to find some escape from all the demands is very normal. How we choose to do that is the important part. Maybe we find some small escapes where we can recharge, where we can remember who we are, and why we have chosen this path. I think the important part is to remember that we did choose it. That it is an important part of our learning and that what we resist, persists. Part of the maturity of relationships is understanding that they go through a very natural evolution. That there is pretty much a template we all unknowingly follow. I know women who get addicted to the chase but you have to keep changing relationships fairly regularly to keep that alive because it doesn`t last. It can`t last at that intensity.
My mom can tell you that the gift in understanding that relationship maturity is that there are always ups and downs in life, always a million roads we can take. It is all about what we choose to see. The gifts we choose to give and receive. And ultimately, we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. I think the best we can all hope for us to end up across from our best friend, with our sanity still in tact and our kids launched. That`s not too much to ask for, is it......
In love and light,
Kathryn
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