Soul Recovery

   I had an amazing dream last night with very deep significance for me. It continued on when I woke up which was a new experience for me. That process is called "lucid dreaming" and is a great tool for healing.

   It was incredibly vivid which is unusual for me especially with my dream drought as it were!

   I was in a house surrounded by a large dog enclosure or kennel. The fencing ran around three sides of the house. The boys and I were sitting watching TV. I got up to do something and a flash of yellow caught my eye outside. I looked again and saw nothing. But as I turned to go back to what I was doing I saw movement in the corner of my eye. It was a girl outside in the dog run. She was incredibly dirty and hiding. I called out the door for her to come in but she would not come out of hiding. It started to rain.
I called out again.

"You have to come in, you can't stay out here. It's cold and it's raining."
Finally wet and shivering she came to the door. She was filthy and her clothes were thin. I brought her inside and I asked her why she was outside in the cage. She said nothing and only looked at me.
"Who are you and why are you out there?"
" I used to live in this house" she said. "I am out here because I would not do what was told to do with the last one who was here. I wish I had for she would have suffered less at my hands. When the time comes, will you  have care for me?"

 I couldn't answer. I took her into the house, ran a hot bath and washed her careful not to rub too hard on her injuries and hurts. I had to hold my breath because I was gagging from the smell trying to wash her hair. She fell asleep in the bath. When I was done I woke her up, wrapped her in warm blankets and put her to bed.
  I could not sleep myself. I kept thinking about what she was asking of me, and thought I cannot end a life even to prevent them from experiencing something worse. I can't. I kept turning it over and over. Suddenly I thought, this is dumb. This is not the only answer. I packed all my things and all the kids things and when morning came I woke her up.
  "We are all leaving" I told her "together. I have money. We will leave together and start a new life away from this place.I cannot do what you have asked nor do I want to be where you are in this place. The door is open, we will simply walk through it and never look back." I stepped over the threshold with our bags and when I turned back to see if she had followed she smiled the most brilliant smile at me, stepped into me and vanished.

   I looked it up when I got to work. These kinds of experiences are often associated with reclaiming pieces of your soul. Dreaming of someone merging into you is often a reclaiming of something, some precious piece of yourself that got lost along the way. I have been in a quiet state of contemplation all day.

   In love and light,
Kathryn

Denial Anyone?

   Life serves up exactly what I need right when I need it. Without fail. And often in ways that make me sit up and take notice in situations I would never expect.

   Remember Polly Anna? Well, she's alive and well, but thankfully getting a little more self aware. I ended up with either the flu or food poisoning on the flight home from my trip yesterday and was out of commision today.

   Before I left for my trip I had a very frustrating experience. The night before I left I was fighting a serious cereal craving. Not a big issue unless you live in a gluten-free, casein-free household. Finally I buckled and headed to Safeway only to find that my credit card was declined. Thank God for that craving or I would have been trying to pay my hotel bill in Tofino with a dud card.  Now I never carry a balance on the card, nor do I ever get close to the limit so this was a bit perplexing. When I called Visa, it turned out that because of the mail strike I never got a bill and never thought about the payment. I immediately made a payment online and then realized that wasn't going to work in time for me to use the card while I was away at the wedding. I called again and was told that if I went to CIBC and made a payment in person, that would work. So the next morning with my plane leaving at 11, I was at their door at 9:30 when they opened, cheque in hand. They informed me that wouldn't work either since the cheque was not from their bank. I could have committed murder at that point, and left for my trip with only cash to cover me.

    So long story short I get home and today I go to the store to get soup and my credit card is still blocked! I get back to the car, I call CIBC and I have a very uncharacteristic meltdown on the phone basically yelling at some poor guy about how ridiculous this is, while acknowledging that it was my fault I missed the payment, explaining that customer service was about helping good customers. Finally I asked to speak to his supervisor to lodge my complaint about CIBC's poor customer service policies and the next thing I know I am sobbing into the phone. She was very kind and removed the hold immediately, acknowledged my feelings and I was left feeling like a complete nut with my Iphone in hand. I don't know when the fury melted into tears or actually why.

    All I know is that the tears had nothing at all to do with my Visa, or CIBC's acknowledgement of my feelings. And once they started I had a hard time getting the cap back on. Tonight I got a phone call from a friend that gave me closure that I had started myself. When I sat down to journal the whole process, I realized that my kids leave to see their Dad tomorrow. They have been with me for the month that he has been away in Africa. The timing was perfect for me as it kept me busy and engaged with their needs. What came to me tonight is that I have been careful not to cry in front of them.  They have had enough worry over the last two years. I want them to feel relieved, that we are finally okay. Not that they somehow need to deal with my grief. So the last month I have swallowed the feelings that didn't fit with what I wanted them to see. The kind supervisor at CIBC tripped a nerve of sorts and I briefly hemmorhaged a bit of saline. A reminder for me there is still work to do. Still emotion that needs to be released. I look forward to having a bit of time to myself the next two weeks.

    Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD. Feelings assault me from out of nowhere. And then as quickly as they come, they are gone again. Fading quickly as do dreams when we awaken. I know with time they will fade and lose their power and I will learn to trust again. I will adjust my mirrors, check my blindspots and put my foot back on the accelerator. Right now let's just say I am back in the car, idling.
Denial is easier but the price is staying where I am. I am not willing to pay that price. I am ready to move forward, and get back on the road.

  In love and light,
Kathryn

By The Sea

God I love the ocean. And I spent the most magical weekend away. A dear friend got married in Tofino this weekend and asked me to sing at her wedding. A big stage fright performer, I choked out a yes and resolved not to think about it until later! Thanks to my wonderful parents who graciously looked after my kids right on the heels of their own return from traveling I was able to look forward to an adventure. I couldn't stop thinking about it! A chance to sit by the sea alone... Water is a very strong anchor for me. My lifeblood so to speak. The ocean calls to me. I am never more at home than on a boat. It fill my soul, the sounds, the gentle whispers, the drawing of the tides, and that salty smell. Mmmmmm.
I couldn't pass it up. Not to mention the chance to witness two people making such a beautiful commitment to one another. I remember how excited she was when she met him. She glowed. And this was a great chance to get to know him.

  I arrived Friday on a very charming little charter flight with seven other people in time to unpack my things and get dressed for dinner. The hotel was nestled into the old growth forrest right against the beach. My first gift of the weekend was a spontaneous upgrade to oceanview.  Not sure what I did to deserve that, but I'd sure do it again! Lol! Wow! I could have kissed someone!! I arrived in my room to find a king size bed, jacuzzi tub and a balcony facing the surf. Heaven.That balcony door never got closed. The sound was amazing. The roaring surf about 100 ft outside my windows.

  I slipped into my dress and heels and caught Tofino's only cab (we got to know each other well in the five trips I took) to the Spotted Bear Bistro. I am pathologically early to everything, but it does allow me to people watch. Guests began pouring in bubbling with excitement at their surfing experiences that day. In minutes I was awash in friends old and new. The evening carried us on waves of laughter and stories about how we all met the couple. I sat and watched the easy banter of family and the teasing of friends. Thinking, these really are the simple pleasures of life and sampling the delicious fare. By the time I found my way home, it was a contest whether my cheeks hurt more from laughing or my feet from stiletto heels (will I never learn).

   In the morning the swells through the open door had me awake and waiting for daylight. As soon as the sun was up I crept out onto the beach and I was seized by the desire to run like a little kid. You know the run where you actually are going so hard you could plow into something like a windmill and fall because you almost throw yourself off balance with the momentum. I felt like I could run forever. I got to the end of the beach and turned around and walked back to take in the scenery and yes because I played myself out!!! Turns out that feeling of being able to go forever was just a feeling. There were ravens all over the beach. Small animals had traced out what looked like thousands of lines of intricate handwriting, ancient messages written in the sand waiting to be washed away and written again.

    I stopped to have breakfast and coffee on the terrace watching the kids and the dogs racing out into the surf as the world woke up to join me. When I got back to my room I did the back body sattva sequence for an hour and ended in a very deep state of meditation. Hours away, my anxiety about performing was starting to rear it's head. In the meditation I saw myself on the beach. I heard my own voice and I actually saw the music like vaporous ribbons rising up from my lips towards the heavens. The sky was filled with the sound. I could feel the vibration filling my chest filling me with a warmth and fullness where there had before been only fear. For the first time ever singing I knew I would not be afraid. It was as though I had already seen it happen. The message I heard was stay present. That was harder than it sounds. Usually what I do is worry until the moment I get up to sing at which point I have missed everything else. Which sucks!! This was a different strategy.

   My favorite cab driver whisked me off towards the ceremony and after a short walk downhill we arrived in a small sheltered haven, white tents and candles by the sea, a wooden alter draped with tule and white roses. It was breathtaking. And that was only the beginning. The ceremony was incredibly intimate with the couple's two small children close at hand. It could not have been a more perfect day. We ate crab until we couldn't move and then danced on the beach under the stars digging our feet into the sand. The dance music beat the pulse of the northern lights above us as we watched the couple entwine on the dance floor. Their first dance was a Lady Gagaesque extravaganza which brought out both of their tremendous senses of fun and play. They wrapped around each other like loving vines twisting and turning in sultry and teasing swirls. In that moment I felt the world fall away and they were blissfully alone in their joy. They seemed so perfectly matched in form and movement. Hold on to this moment, I whispered into the wind.

  I felt the thrill run up my spine, the reminder of what we all search for. Two hearts making that bond to follow one another on the winding road, taking care not to stray too far from the touch of the others hand. I felt hope, and as I joined into the dance again I reached my hands above my head towards the stars. In that moment I felt as happy as I have ever felt and I danced until I could dance no more. A fact proven by my aches the next morning!

   At breakfast we all bid an unwilling goodbye, not wanting the magic to end. I arranged a late check out and repeated my previous days routine. In searching to get dressed I found a letter to a friend I had written at the end of my goddess course. Part of our release exercise. A letter never meant to be read by human eyes, never sent, left in my carry on luggage and a ring that no longer belongs to me. I was struck by a bit of mischief and I decided to make a ceremonial surrender of these items on the beach. I sat on a log and watched the flames from  my matches claim words with no one to hear. The wind carried tiny bits of ash and my words towards the heavens. It took a whole book of matches but I was determined to let it go. I walked to the end of the beach where the sand gives way to climbing rock formations and scrambled my way to the top. I took the ring and I threw it as hard as I could. The ocean accepted it with a small satisfying plop. I am free. The waves claimed my past and I stood on that cliff smiling into the wind arms wide to embrace my future whatever form it takes.

  I realized in that moment, I am home. I no longer feel a stranger to myself. My own company slips around my shoulders like a favorite cashmere throw. I laugh to myself, giggle at my own jokes and dance with myself until dawn breaks along the horizon, the color of hope.
I am home, surrounded by dear and loving friends. Thank you for filling my cup
In love and light,
Kathryn

Celebrations

I spent last night wrapped in the amazing warmth of a new kitchen surrounded by the blessings of some of my closest friends. It was a very significant occasion that almost didn't occur for a very interesting reason. A reason that became the topic of conversation into the wee hours of the night.

   One of the most brilliant people in my life is going through a very tough life transition. One that had taken a lot of courage and let's face it, grit to get through. She is now on her own, with a young son. She taken control of a very difficult set of circumstances and has landed squarely on her own two feet. She has a safe place to live, all the people in her life rallied around her and offered everything from linens to kitchenware to gift certificates to help her get started. She was overwhelmed by the people who stood up to encourage and support her. But when I suggested a housewarming party she was very reluctant.

   One of the themes in my own life is that I often downplay my accomplishments. Feeling somehow embarassed rather than proud of that which I have completed or initiated. Birthdays for me suck! I love other people's birthdays, but my own is always a bit of a manoeuver for me to get through and it has nothing to do with age! I am not comfortable being the center of attention when the event is about me! I can speak in front of a crowd, I can sing at weddings and funerals but those events are not about me! I am simply entertainment.

    I spoke to my friend, and as I spoke I realized I should myself be listening to the speech I was giving. I told her that each small step in life is worth celebrating. Why do we feel like we need to get a pHD before we feel worthy of being celebrated? That the very act of gathering would be good for all of us, including her. That life is made up of those little moments. Acts that remind us how beautiful and special we are to those around us. Today most of us seem so caught up in the day to day acts of living that we have forgotten to mark many of the important things that we do. Those things are what create the memories that we carry with us. The rest, is just the act of living.

    If you are like me, and love celebrating other people, think for a moment. Think of the joy of planning, anticipating the look on another person's face. It is intoxicating isn't it? To celebrate someone you love. To surprise them with a random gift or a special moment. Now think, that by not allowing them to do the same, you are actually denying them that same amazing feeling. You are stopping love from flowing into your life. Would you ever knowingly do that? You are blocking the flow of receive. In order to find balance, you must become a conduit, and not a blockade. Allow the giving and receiving to flow through you and not get stuck on one or the other.

    It was a magic evening. The topic changed a hundred times, we laughed and we cried into the early hours of the morning. I was reminded of the wonder of friendship. Your joys are multiplied, and your sorrows divided. Gentle hands in the night to comfort and console and smiles and laughter that would bannish darkness from any corner with the gaiety of the din. The greatest blessing in my life has been my friends. And I was reminded again last night how common our journeys are, how many roads we walk together. And how very much less fearful it is when you see how many souls surround you with love and light on your journey.

    May this day remind you that you are invaluable. That every moment, there is someone who wishes they were you. Celebrate often, and count your blessings. I know your cup overfloweth. Mine does.

Make your life a song of gratitude and watch your blessings multiply. You are worthy, little soul.

Love,

Kathryn

Birthday Cake

   Okay this is more for laughs but damn it, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

   Thank God my friends are such great inspiration for topics.

    We were talking this morning about wanting things that are not good for you or things you cannot have.  This is a rather broad topic don't you think?  We decided that wishing for those things in your life is a bit like birthday cake. I don't know about you, but birthday cake is one of my favorite things. And my biggest dilemma is always the morning after the birthday when there is half the damn cake sitting on the counter.

    I love cake on the counter because it makes me feel like a great mom. I always picture homes with great moms having tons of baking, happy kids, you know- Utopia. But that cake is always right there. Tantalizing, and tempting. You love having it around just for the enjoyment of it, but really, you just want to eat it. What would really work for me would be a 3D picture of the cake. Just so I could have it around but not be tempted to lick it.

    Those of us who love "birthday cake", Okay, let's just call it that for now, either get very self destructive and want nothing but "cake" all the time or you slide that puppy right into the garbage and make sure you get some of last nights dinner on it so that you don't look like a character in a Seinfeld episode. Sometimes what we want, is not what we need girls, or if it is what we need, maybe the birthday cake actually belongs to someone else. And having it around staring at you all the time, not being able to enjoy it, is just another version of self torture.

     So if you are lucky, you can have your cake and eat it too. Sometimes you just have to stand at the counter a while and check out some pretty tasty models, miss a few as someone ahead of you takes the slice you wanted.  And then all of a sudden you spot the perfect slice.  Or you summon up your willpower, grab a piece of fruit, walk and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine instead. Life is just a miriad of funny choices isn't it?

   It doesn't all have to be cake, right? Have a fantastic Friday everyone!

In love and laughs,
Kathryn

The Golden Ring

   I had a very meaningful conversation with one of my staff at the end of my day today. I was sitting in my office catching up on a stack of charts that was climbing half way up my wall when she wandered into my office to chat.

    We have had parallel relationship experiences, and she is feeling like she is still hooked in, but not understanding why. We talked about how our experiences were alike and the difficulties she is still facing.
She has a very real feeling of "missing the boat" in her life. Like somewhere she has made a wrong turn and is going away from, instead of towards her "happy ending".  There is a lot of fear about not ending up where she would like to end up.

    I shared something with her that has been very meaningful to me. Lots of people think of life as offering only a few "golden rings". Opportunities that come up at a specific point in time, that unless you reach out and grab them, you miss out on a once in a lifetime thing. I don't believe that. Not at all. In fact, I think those rings are rotating above our heads all the time, like we are on some big merry-go-round.  I think we don't even see them until we are ready, until we have what we need to be able to jump up and grab them.  When we add to our learning about ourselves, suddenly the veil is lifted and presto, there is a ring. I don't believe there is only one way to get to our destiny. In fact I what I know to be true, is that if we make a decision that leads away from our destiny, somewhere along the line we make two steps the other way that correct us to the center again. The path is never a straight one, nor should it be (that would be dull). But I do trust that my zigzagging path is always going the exact way it is meant to go.

     That faith or trust in the Universe allows me to let go of the rest of it and focus on the lessons in what is right in front of me. I never worry about whether I am on the right road, I am paying attention instead to the cars and the passengers I meet.  There is beautiful surrender in that. Would understanding that change how you approach each day? Nickelback says it pretty well ... " would you donate every time you're asked.....would you make your mark, by mending a broken heart... " When you aren't worried if you are even in the right place, it is a lot easier to stay present in the moment, is it not? To be in service to yourself and the people you love? Isn't that what all the books are telling us we should be doing? Staying in the now!

      We have choices in every moment. We are the masters of our own fate.  Thanks to technology, if we want to have kids and haven't met that right person by the time biology is reaching it's limit, we still have options. I do believe we all have an amazing destiny by birthright. We can choose through our life choices to embrace or deny that. It is ultimately the gift of "free will" that only humans have been given, that decides the outcome. The key is making the best decisions you can listening to your heart and using the information you have at the time. And remembering the path was never meant to be straight.

      Understanding that each of us is a worthwhile person, an individual, as bright and  beautiful as a ray of light is the first step to understanding that we can't pretend to be something we are not in relationships. When someone comes into our lives with a list of what we need to do to be "better" or we find someone who is in love with our "potential" as a mate, it is important to remember none of us are "fixer-uppers". We either match or we don't. There is never a time when we need to overhaul ourselves to meet someone else's expectations. That is part of understanding and loving yourself enough to walk away from these relationships with your self esteem intact and try again with someone else. When we get that part, life becomes easier somehow. We can kick back and start to enjoy the ride instead of white knuckling it. Life is too short to navigate with finger prints embedded in the dashboard people!

    In love and light,
Kathryn

     

    

The Blind Spot

   Blind spots. Blind spots are areas of impaired or unclear vision. And sometimes, no vision at all.

   The most significant lesson of my life has involved finding balance around how I see the world. Seeking the blue heron, if you will.  Blue herons are all about balance.

    I am someone who, for those of us that are old enough to remember, thought very much like PollyAnna. PollyAnna was a character in a film when I was young, who could only ever see the bright and happy side of everything. She was unbelievably cheerful in the face of everything even the worst disasters. I adopted that personna very early on. I made very sure that I never looked at or acknowledged my own dark side or anyone else's. Somehow I thought that was the ideal, to be cheerful in the face of anything.

    I love people. I love to watch them grow and change and learn. Especially those that are close to me. I have made a practice out of looking for the best in people. Helping them to see the best in themselves. Believing that people can change whatever they want or need to change. Believing only the best of people. In my profession, it became my mission to create a place of sanctuary. where people could learn and grow in a safe and supportive environment.  I realize now that my decision not to look at people and acknowledge their very human and ever present darksides,  had left me with a tremendous blind spot. An achilles heel, if you will. It was my greatest weakness.

    To look at human beings and to refuse to see very human frailties and failings is to minimize our nature. To look at anything in an unbalanced way, skewed either to one extreme or another is not healthy.  And worse than that, not real. Human beings make mistakes. We make stupid decisions, we hurt people, we screw up. We all stand upon pedestals of clay. When we put people too high up on those pedestals, they cannot help but fall. We are meant to fall. We are designed to fall. It is the essence of what it is to be human. It is how we learn. How we experience pain and disappointment, and how we decide we would like to experience something different. If all we ever experienced was a sense of joy and wonderment, we would learn squat all nothing! And not only that, we would never value those emotions because we would have nothing to contrast them with!

    The last three years, I have ended up by virtue of not acknowledging the dark side of human beings, becoming very intimate with my own darkside.  I have spent most of that time by myself searching for a reason why I ended up where I did.  I could no longer avoid seeing what I didn't want to see. What I realized in the end is that in order to be able to love anyone else, I must first love myself. And that means all of me. Even the parts that I worry are not that loveable. The parts that are less than perfect, not totally in control and capable, not always able to deal with anything. When I was in that dark place, I realized that when I was alone in that place of fear unable to find my way out, that when I allowed myself to just be in that space, there was nothing left to be afraid of. In that place, I faced my demons. In that place I have found the pieces of my self I had denied. My weaknesses and my failings. My humanity.

     Anything to an extreme is not desirable, not balanced, not whole.  In that dark place, I became whole again. Will it change my basic belief that people are generally good? Oh , come on, those of you who know me, know better than that! Of course not! But I will have more realistic expectations of people. And I hope, be an even more accepting person. And a bit more of a street smart person.
I will now look more deeply into people's motivations, and not get caught with such a big blind spot again.

    Am I sorry that I had to walk this path? No, I am not. It seems that for me it was a very necessary lesson. A path as I said to wholeness, to self acceptance.  A path where I looked into the darkest pool and saw my own beautiful face looking back at me, drawing me home.

   In love and light,
Kathryn

Endings and Beginnings

   Last night I had the final night of my Goddess course. Four wonderful weeks with a bunch of crazy amazing women celebrating the discovery of self. For me, it couldn't have come at a better time. It gave me something to look forward to doing every week, homework to do that drew me deeper into my own process and didn't allow me to "busy it up" with distractions. The timing was perfect. Last night was about releasing and letting go of anything that is holding us back from coming into the full expression of who we are.

    The releasing homework took me to a space of thinking about beginnings and endings in my life. We all have them, they are really the basic threads of life that everything else is strung upon. The warp and the weft threads on the loom. Beginnings are easy and exciting.  Sometimes we get stuck on the endings.  We throw a psychic anchor out when we are not ready for something to move out of our lives. And we don't often get to choose when those events happen. The end of a marriage, a change at work, all of those things involve other people. Fear shows up when change marches in, and it can leave us feeling like we are drowning in the middle of the ocean. No wonder we are tossing out hooks, reaching for the familiar even when it no longer serves us,  and trying to keep from going under the water.

     What is best expressed by a famous poem I'm sure you've all heard, is that "people and things come into our lives for a time, a reason or a season". The earlier we surrender to this, the better we are able to embrace what comes. The process is perfect, just as it is.  You can't call something to you that doesn't belong to you,  you can't ever lose something that does and you can't hang on to something or someone if their place is elsewhere. The rest is just a process of allowing. Believing that none of this is random. There is a master plan we are not privy too. We each can only see a few pieces of the grand puzzle. Instead of clutching the pole on the side of the pool, turn and dive in of your own free will. Sit in the emotion of where you are, positive or negative until it passes. It all passes if we simply allow it to move through our bodies instead of fighting so hard against what we are feeling.

     A good friend taught me a really important lesson. Everything is impermanent. Nothing is forever. Not good looks, not hair, well, you get it, the list goes on!!!  In meditation, we will often sit perfectly still for hours. Your legs fall asleep, your head gets itchy, your mind creates all sorts of reasons why you need to move, get up, scratch etc. The crazy out there thing is, if you acknowledge it but don't focus on it, just let it go, it all goes away without moving, scratching or anything else. Pain and discomfort are as transitory as joy and elation. You wouldn't want to stay in any one of them forever. Trust me!

    When my marriage ended, I realized that if it was wrong for me, God is not cruel enough to make it right for him. By staying in his way, I was also blocking good things and relationships from coming to him. Both of us are now in a really good place and are able to continue being supportive of each other. We made the right choice, and moving through the pain and discomfort of that in the moment, has brought us to this place. We are both healthier and happier.

     The old adage time heals all things is very true. And time brings more life and more things to be joyfully released as we open our arms to embrace all of the amazing things that are on their way to us. It is a grand version of the cycle of giving and receiving. To block one or the other, causes the flow in the circle to stop. I have spent a long time learning to be comfortable with receive. I have always been really good at the give part. But part of giving is not just giving the new, it is giving up what needs to be released to move on, or giving up that which no longer serves you. Give and receive refer not only to the people in your life, but to the universe as a whole. And the Universe has it 's own mind around what we need to give and receive. Everything is a gift. Even those things we must surrender. I find it helpful to try to remind myself that each person and thing in my life plays it's role perfectly and then moves on to where it is needed next.

    Jump in the river and float, you are in exactly the right place at this moment, learning exactly what you need to learn. And we are all in there with you! The one thing I know is we are never alone.

In love and light,
Kathryn

The Dream

   Okay all you dream interpreters, this was a weird one so I am open to comments!

   I had two dreams last night, the first one was something quite Narnian, and I remember winged horses and shouting "Edward"! and that was that. Didn't get up fast enough to catch that one before it faded.  God you have got to love dreams.

   The second one however, I got in full detail, not that it made much sense!

    I was costuming people who were performing in seductive dancing costumes for a king. The setting was very much set in period and the costumes were amazingly beautiful. I am peering around a curtain watching the performance when I feel hands on my shoulders and a girl with long dark hair says " Come, it's time" and starts dressing me! Honestly I remember thinking this is some sort of joke, I have no idea what I am doing! Then it strikes me that maybe I am back in PB and this is some sort of crazy stretch to do with my Goddess course! The silk veils and attachments are incredibly ornate and the fabrics against my skin are sensual and stimulating. She hands me a chain with a large dog on it, and the reins attached to a large brown horse. Gotta wonder what my act involved! LOL!

   The dog saw a rabbit and dragged me into a shop in a bazzaar and when I finally got it stopped I realized I had the leather reins in my hand, but the horse was gone. That puzzled me a bit. Like it vanished into thin air.

    I make it back to the performance area, but it seems I have missed the performance and people are leaving. A young handsome horseman grabs my hand and leads me through a variety of busy rooms until we find an empty space.  I know him, and he spins me around and starts to kiss me, playfully plucking at the veils when the king walks in, the same king I was supposed to be performing for, and begins to engage him in conversation as though I am not even there. He is trying to hide me, an impossible feat dressed as I am in an empty room. But I feel invisible,  though half naked. Denied.

    And then I wake up.

    What the heck to make of that? Kath

Relationship Evolution

Independent, Co-Dependent, Interdependent.

   Fascinating relationship territory. So where does your relationship fit? I kind of think of the three concepts as a three legged race. Independent couples have no legs tied together. Co-dependent couples have all four legs tied up, and interdependent couples, have just their middle legs tied together. Think about conceptually what a race involving all three might look like!

   The independent couple are racing against each other, completely oblivious to the fact that if you don't cross the finish line together you lose the race. Independent relationships are relationships where you pretty much operate according to your own needs without much regard or need for communication with the person you are in relationship too. I would love to characterize this as an age related stage, like young people's relationships, but in fact I lived in one of these most of my adult life! It is not age related at all. These relationships could be characterized as more "parallel" relationships. Two people walking beside each other without much cross over in any of their major life arenas.  These relationships are often characterized by a lack of conflict, but also a distinct lack of spark. In order to get spark you have to cross over at some point and find some point of friction.

     The co-dependent couple can't figure out which direction to go because all four legs are tied up and no one can decide which way to go. They have to move in perfect unity or they cannot move at all. It is an exercise in needing to be a mind reader. Upon leaving an independent relationship, often people swing the pendulum as far as they can to the opposite side, believing that what they were missing was connection. Nothing ever stops in the middle, does it? As you can imagine, swinging over to the far right is just as pathological as sitting on the far left. It just looks different. Now instead of walking parallel paths, now you are so wrapped up in one another that it is hard to see where one person ends and the other begins. If you are sad, I must be sad, if I am happy, you should be happy. The lines are so blurred it is easy to lose yourself. In fact by not being entitled to your own feelings, you have lost yourself. It is a very slippery slope. Co-dependent relationships are based on a lack of healthy boundaries. They are often driven by fear and loss. I would love to tell you that you can skip over this category, but most of us making this trek find ourselves here at least once on the journey to a healthy relationship. More than that if we lack the awareness to recognize where we are.

     Now the interdependent couple have their middle legs tied together but have full control over their other leg. They have balance. They still need to check in with where the other partner is, and make sure they are going the same direction but they are way more stable because they never lose their own footing. Their direction setting is based on healthy communication about where they want to go. In a relationship of this type, who you are, is never on the block. You choose your partner based on a full understanding and acceptance of who and what they are, and they do the same for you. You have common and shared interests, but not all of your interests are the same. Instead of weaknesses, you understand that there are areas where you have separate interests and activities that add to, and deepen your partnership. You each bring new friends and experiences that add to the richness of your life. You have areas of independence and areas of interdependence. You retain your individuality, and are able to contribute to a relationship with healthy boundaries.  Your relationship is not what defines you as a person, it is something you are an active participant in. It adds to your life, instead of taking away from who you are.

      If you understand physics at all, you know that nothing ever stops in the middle on the first swing. The journey is perfect just as it is. However, I am hoping that with a renewed awareness and focusing on the healthy boundaries and the interdependent criteria, that after my "manbatical" comes to an end, that I will confidently be able to manifest a healthy interdependent "soul mate" relationship. For now, I am enjoying a trial run, an interdependent relationship with myself! ( and my dog, two cats and the rabbit. I sound like Dr. Doolittle) But who better to start with than the masters of unconditional love!

    In love and light,
Kathryn

Boundaries

 I keep pulling the intuition card that has the bear on it. Bear, is all about boundaries.

  Boundaries, have never been my strong suit.

  My favorite line on this card is " for you to be your complete self, you must not only define who you are, but who you are not." What a concept! In essence it is the art of saying "No!", "No thank you, or Not on your life!" The other line that stops me in my tracks is "the only way that others can intimidate you is to deny you your own power and operate out of fear. Come from strong love, without malice or agression, and let them see and feel your full presence." In other words, stand in your truth from a place of love.

    The last year and a half for sure, have been lessons in boundary setting for me. A full time course. I made the mistake of thinking that compromising myself, was simply compromising for the sake of a relationship. My relationship before was kind of a solo journey, a parallel walk rather than a journey together. I didn't know what compromise looked like. What I wanted was a partnership. That requires some compromise on the part of both parties. What I learned, was that you can compromise where you are going on vacation, or what kind of restaurants you both like to eat in, but you cannot compromise the essence of who you are for anyone. The understanding that I have come to, is that love does not ask you to change who you are. It celebrates the essence of a person. All those quirky things that come together to create a human being. I spoke about seeing the divine in the face of another, that those qualities are not really about the person, but we don't fall in love with qualities, we fall in love with human beings. Imperfectly assembled with all their quirks and follies. And sometimes, because of them.

    When you are asked to change who you are as a person, I can now wisely suggest that you stand firmly ( or turn and run! ) and say I am perfect and amazing as I am, as are you. If this is not a match I suggest we both move on and keep searching. When someone needs you to change those things, you need to stand in your truth and simply know that there is nothing wrong with you, that this is simply not your match.

    One of the things I am most proud of is how my marriage ended. That we are still friends. That we support and care about each other and are actively involved in each others lives every day parenting our children. That we were honest and kind to one another. This wonderful man has been part of my life for over twenty years, and is the father of my two beautiful boys. I have never wanted to end any relationship with animosity, and to date I think I have achieved this end as often as I have been able through my own efforts. My one regret, is that in learning this lesson of holding boundaries, I almost allowed another person to damage all I had fought so hard to preserve. I will never be foolhardy enought to allow any other person have a say in the rightness or wrongness of my continued relationship with my ex husband.  It is one of the boundaries I will continue to hold strong. Love does not need to possess or control. It is generous and inclusive, especially where children are involved. Above all, their needs must come first.

    The boundaries I am starting with have been bold and large. They have had to be. The frightening part for me is that although I felt victimized and caged by another person, the accountable piece of that is that I was in fact my own jailer. There was no one stopping me from walking away but me. I was in a jail of my own making. Wow. How is that for a Stunner. Someone as strong as me, lost sight of the fact that I was always in control of my own choices. How in the heck did that happen. I am still searching for an answer to that one.

     Boundaries. Think about them. What are yours?

     In a land without fences, everything you love can be trampled.  Good fences make good neighbors, isn't that what they say? A few of the things I have loved most, got trampled. Now you can find me hard at work putting up some beautiful cedar fences, rolling up my sleeves, bare feet in the earth. The wind tossling my long hair around my face, the sun shining down upon me. I am tending my garden. I am surveying the damage and trying to rebuild. I have faith. With work and time, I know that the beloved things I have lost will be restored and replaced, this time healthier than before. This time, fiercely protected, tended and nurtured. I ground myself, stretching my roots into the earth and tip my head back towards the sky and laughter escapes my lips. What a process this life is.

   What a beautiful process.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Fleeting Time

    Today I go to honour the life of someone very special. A husband, a father, grandfather, a cherished companion.

  As I sit here at the table in quiet reflection, I am reminded that we have no idea how much time we have. It is like a string of pearls that we follow that disappears into the mist, seemingly unending. Sometimes we look into that mist and wonder how we will continue for that long, and mornings like this, I look and wonder how many pearls there are beyond what I can see. I have so very much left to do in this life. Things that cannot wait.

   Death of anything, always seems to remind us of our own mortality. Be it a friend, a relationship, a dream or a pet. It changes the fabric of what we believe is our hard and fast reality. Someone once told me that when their relationship ended, it was like the portrait of their life in the future now had a big hole ripped in it where that person had removed themselves. How do I make my life now, was the question put to me. Those pictures we create are dynamic, changed by our very will. People come in and out of our lives with the perfect coordination of musicians in a professional symphony. That fabric and that picture will gently and perfectly begin to shift and form a new picture if we surrender and allow. That picture is not meant to be static. There is no blame for the people who come and go whether they leave of their own will, or are taken. They are simply adding their music and then moving on to the next stage. The are the beauty in our lives for how ever long they grace us. And when they leave, however they go, we thank them for their inspiring contribution and look to the curtain for the next guest player. It is the richness of life, not loss.

   Grieving is a process of putting on your raincoat and wellies and walking straight out into the rain. No hat, no hood. Allowing the tears of God to rain down upon the seat of your soul and taking your sorrow with them, drip slowly down your body and back into mother earth. There is no way around grief, you must walk through it. Let it settle upon you and then slip away leaving you fresh, clean and clear.

   I am reminded of my purpose here. And spurred a bit to get a move on before my pearls come to an end.
There is much joy to be experienced. There is much love to share. In this moment as in many lately I am overcome with gratitude for the gift of my life.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Where the Veil is Thin

   There are people in this world, that when we meet them, we feel so connected to them, it seems as though we have known them forever. The attraction is immediate and powerful. This can create no end of problems if one or the other of you are in relationships. It can be incredibly confusing and wonderful at the same time. The gift of these relationships I am learning, is not in the "this life or physical" expression of that remembering but in the recognition of the divine showing up within another human being.
  
    I have had many of these blessings in my life, but one such relationship that really stands out. Someone who has guided my life path in ways I could never have imagined when we met. Someone whom I love as I have loved no other, that I have seen in all their splendor and all their human frailness. Someone who embodies for me all that it means to be authentic and live with integrity. Two things I value tremendously.

    The confusion part of these meetings, where the veil between heaven and earth is thin and you have the occasion to really see the beautiful soul of another, is that sometimes it is easy to get wrapped up in this human coil. To wish for a different outcome, or a physical "right now" experience of that visitation. To manifest them into your life in a more meaningful expression of relationship. To feel loss, or the "what if's" of a possible missed opportunity. And in doing so, we become stuck.

     The learning in this for me has been about the gift of who this person has been to me and for me. That in fact without knowing, they were the light in the dark, the focal point that kept me going when things got really tough. That whatever the expression of that love is meant to be, the gift of it in fact saved me when I was lost in the shadows. And the best gift I can give back is to release you to your best destiny and surround you with my love on your way. In this incarnation, my love is as wide as the sky and as deep as the ocean. May it simply be lift under your wings to aid you on your journey. And in doing so I can release myself from the "what if's" and spread my own wings and rise up to my destiny. In your eyes, I see the face of God,  and the very best person I have ever known. And in my heart, for you I will always hold a special place. I hope someday, if you find yourself in darkness, I can repay the favour with the honor you have shown me.

     The grace in coming to terms with the great gift you have been in my life just as you have chosen to manifest, in that capacity and no more, has been long overdue. And from this point I can release the mortal feelings of longing, and simply find you in the gratitude that fills my heart.
There will always be a space just for you, free now of any expectations or hopes beyond wishing you the greatest life possible.

 In love and light,
Kathryn

The Tips of my Fingers....

  I read an interesting post on facebook about the objectification of women and the unrealistic beauty standards projected by the media. Not having daughters, I can't say I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, certainly not as much as I would have if that had been my path. But it has stuck in my mind all day.

  I was always the smart girl. School came really easy to me. I loved it. But as we all know, the pretty girls always wish someone would appreciate their brains a bit more, and well, us smart girls always wished we could be the pretty girls! But man, it looked like a lot more work than being smart.

  In my teens and twenties I always wanted to look like one of the coltish Ralph Lauren models, kind of sporty but really, built like a boy. Kind of in opposition to my Marilyn Monroe-ish figure type! At one point I got down to the lowest weight that I could, stripped down and looked in the mirror. To my disappointment, I looked a bit more like one of those poor cows wandering around India, skin stretched over bone, but I still didn't look like those girls!! The frame was not the frame of a boyish physique! So I gave that up pretty quick. Scarecrow was never a fashion look!

   In my thirties, I gave up the quest to look like a runway model and began to look at my assets. Work with what I had. And you know, it wasn't half bad. I learned what worked for my body around clothes and makeup, how to play up the aspects that were unique to me. I have done running clinics, walked, played sports to keep fit. But interestingly enough my brain is still stronger than what I have created out side. I realize in my fourties that although I manage the outside, my body has never really felt like it was connected to my brain. My intellect is quite disconnected from my physical expression.

    I have been doing a lot of yoga and meditation, I have blogged about that before. Last night after a particularly rigorous class, I was laying in Shivasina, sweating from every pore and I had a very strange sensation. I stretched and suddenly felt for the first time like I was fully there. Inhabiting this body. I felt the connection and the reach all the way to the tips of my fingers. I shivered. Every cell of this body finally feels like mine. I am reaching up with spirit and into every cell of my being and I felt euphoric.  High. In a complete state of awe.

    I felt like I had come home.
What a blessing to grow into my own skin.

In love and light,
Kathryn