Life serves up exactly what I need right when I need it. Without fail. And often in ways that make me sit up and take notice in situations I would never expect.
Remember Polly Anna? Well, she's alive and well, but thankfully getting a little more self aware. I ended up with either the flu or food poisoning on the flight home from my trip yesterday and was out of commision today.
Before I left for my trip I had a very frustrating experience. The night before I left I was fighting a serious cereal craving. Not a big issue unless you live in a gluten-free, casein-free household. Finally I buckled and headed to Safeway only to find that my credit card was declined. Thank God for that craving or I would have been trying to pay my hotel bill in Tofino with a dud card. Now I never carry a balance on the card, nor do I ever get close to the limit so this was a bit perplexing. When I called Visa, it turned out that because of the mail strike I never got a bill and never thought about the payment. I immediately made a payment online and then realized that wasn't going to work in time for me to use the card while I was away at the wedding. I called again and was told that if I went to CIBC and made a payment in person, that would work. So the next morning with my plane leaving at 11, I was at their door at 9:30 when they opened, cheque in hand. They informed me that wouldn't work either since the cheque was not from their bank. I could have committed murder at that point, and left for my trip with only cash to cover me.
So long story short I get home and today I go to the store to get soup and my credit card is still blocked! I get back to the car, I call CIBC and I have a very uncharacteristic meltdown on the phone basically yelling at some poor guy about how ridiculous this is, while acknowledging that it was my fault I missed the payment, explaining that customer service was about helping good customers. Finally I asked to speak to his supervisor to lodge my complaint about CIBC's poor customer service policies and the next thing I know I am sobbing into the phone. She was very kind and removed the hold immediately, acknowledged my feelings and I was left feeling like a complete nut with my Iphone in hand. I don't know when the fury melted into tears or actually why.
All I know is that the tears had nothing at all to do with my Visa, or CIBC's acknowledgement of my feelings. And once they started I had a hard time getting the cap back on. Tonight I got a phone call from a friend that gave me closure that I had started myself. When I sat down to journal the whole process, I realized that my kids leave to see their Dad tomorrow. They have been with me for the month that he has been away in Africa. The timing was perfect for me as it kept me busy and engaged with their needs. What came to me tonight is that I have been careful not to cry in front of them. They have had enough worry over the last two years. I want them to feel relieved, that we are finally okay. Not that they somehow need to deal with my grief. So the last month I have swallowed the feelings that didn't fit with what I wanted them to see. The kind supervisor at CIBC tripped a nerve of sorts and I briefly hemmorhaged a bit of saline. A reminder for me there is still work to do. Still emotion that needs to be released. I look forward to having a bit of time to myself the next two weeks.
Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD. Feelings assault me from out of nowhere. And then as quickly as they come, they are gone again. Fading quickly as do dreams when we awaken. I know with time they will fade and lose their power and I will learn to trust again. I will adjust my mirrors, check my blindspots and put my foot back on the accelerator. Right now let's just say I am back in the car, idling.
Denial is easier but the price is staying where I am. I am not willing to pay that price. I am ready to move forward, and get back on the road.
In love and light,
Kathryn
Remember Polly Anna? Well, she's alive and well, but thankfully getting a little more self aware. I ended up with either the flu or food poisoning on the flight home from my trip yesterday and was out of commision today.
Before I left for my trip I had a very frustrating experience. The night before I left I was fighting a serious cereal craving. Not a big issue unless you live in a gluten-free, casein-free household. Finally I buckled and headed to Safeway only to find that my credit card was declined. Thank God for that craving or I would have been trying to pay my hotel bill in Tofino with a dud card. Now I never carry a balance on the card, nor do I ever get close to the limit so this was a bit perplexing. When I called Visa, it turned out that because of the mail strike I never got a bill and never thought about the payment. I immediately made a payment online and then realized that wasn't going to work in time for me to use the card while I was away at the wedding. I called again and was told that if I went to CIBC and made a payment in person, that would work. So the next morning with my plane leaving at 11, I was at their door at 9:30 when they opened, cheque in hand. They informed me that wouldn't work either since the cheque was not from their bank. I could have committed murder at that point, and left for my trip with only cash to cover me.
So long story short I get home and today I go to the store to get soup and my credit card is still blocked! I get back to the car, I call CIBC and I have a very uncharacteristic meltdown on the phone basically yelling at some poor guy about how ridiculous this is, while acknowledging that it was my fault I missed the payment, explaining that customer service was about helping good customers. Finally I asked to speak to his supervisor to lodge my complaint about CIBC's poor customer service policies and the next thing I know I am sobbing into the phone. She was very kind and removed the hold immediately, acknowledged my feelings and I was left feeling like a complete nut with my Iphone in hand. I don't know when the fury melted into tears or actually why.
All I know is that the tears had nothing at all to do with my Visa, or CIBC's acknowledgement of my feelings. And once they started I had a hard time getting the cap back on. Tonight I got a phone call from a friend that gave me closure that I had started myself. When I sat down to journal the whole process, I realized that my kids leave to see their Dad tomorrow. They have been with me for the month that he has been away in Africa. The timing was perfect for me as it kept me busy and engaged with their needs. What came to me tonight is that I have been careful not to cry in front of them. They have had enough worry over the last two years. I want them to feel relieved, that we are finally okay. Not that they somehow need to deal with my grief. So the last month I have swallowed the feelings that didn't fit with what I wanted them to see. The kind supervisor at CIBC tripped a nerve of sorts and I briefly hemmorhaged a bit of saline. A reminder for me there is still work to do. Still emotion that needs to be released. I look forward to having a bit of time to myself the next two weeks.
Sometimes I feel like I have PTSD. Feelings assault me from out of nowhere. And then as quickly as they come, they are gone again. Fading quickly as do dreams when we awaken. I know with time they will fade and lose their power and I will learn to trust again. I will adjust my mirrors, check my blindspots and put my foot back on the accelerator. Right now let's just say I am back in the car, idling.
Denial is easier but the price is staying where I am. I am not willing to pay that price. I am ready to move forward, and get back on the road.
In love and light,
Kathryn
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