Independent, Co-Dependent, Interdependent.
Fascinating relationship territory. So where does your relationship fit? I kind of think of the three concepts as a three legged race. Independent couples have no legs tied together. Co-dependent couples have all four legs tied up, and interdependent couples, have just their middle legs tied together. Think about conceptually what a race involving all three might look like!
The independent couple are racing against each other, completely oblivious to the fact that if you don't cross the finish line together you lose the race. Independent relationships are relationships where you pretty much operate according to your own needs without much regard or need for communication with the person you are in relationship too. I would love to characterize this as an age related stage, like young people's relationships, but in fact I lived in one of these most of my adult life! It is not age related at all. These relationships could be characterized as more "parallel" relationships. Two people walking beside each other without much cross over in any of their major life arenas. These relationships are often characterized by a lack of conflict, but also a distinct lack of spark. In order to get spark you have to cross over at some point and find some point of friction.
The co-dependent couple can't figure out which direction to go because all four legs are tied up and no one can decide which way to go. They have to move in perfect unity or they cannot move at all. It is an exercise in needing to be a mind reader. Upon leaving an independent relationship, often people swing the pendulum as far as they can to the opposite side, believing that what they were missing was connection. Nothing ever stops in the middle, does it? As you can imagine, swinging over to the far right is just as pathological as sitting on the far left. It just looks different. Now instead of walking parallel paths, now you are so wrapped up in one another that it is hard to see where one person ends and the other begins. If you are sad, I must be sad, if I am happy, you should be happy. The lines are so blurred it is easy to lose yourself. In fact by not being entitled to your own feelings, you have lost yourself. It is a very slippery slope. Co-dependent relationships are based on a lack of healthy boundaries. They are often driven by fear and loss. I would love to tell you that you can skip over this category, but most of us making this trek find ourselves here at least once on the journey to a healthy relationship. More than that if we lack the awareness to recognize where we are.
Now the interdependent couple have their middle legs tied together but have full control over their other leg. They have balance. They still need to check in with where the other partner is, and make sure they are going the same direction but they are way more stable because they never lose their own footing. Their direction setting is based on healthy communication about where they want to go. In a relationship of this type, who you are, is never on the block. You choose your partner based on a full understanding and acceptance of who and what they are, and they do the same for you. You have common and shared interests, but not all of your interests are the same. Instead of weaknesses, you understand that there are areas where you have separate interests and activities that add to, and deepen your partnership. You each bring new friends and experiences that add to the richness of your life. You have areas of independence and areas of interdependence. You retain your individuality, and are able to contribute to a relationship with healthy boundaries. Your relationship is not what defines you as a person, it is something you are an active participant in. It adds to your life, instead of taking away from who you are.
If you understand physics at all, you know that nothing ever stops in the middle on the first swing. The journey is perfect just as it is. However, I am hoping that with a renewed awareness and focusing on the healthy boundaries and the interdependent criteria, that after my "manbatical" comes to an end, that I will confidently be able to manifest a healthy interdependent "soul mate" relationship. For now, I am enjoying a trial run, an interdependent relationship with myself! ( and my dog, two cats and the rabbit. I sound like Dr. Doolittle) But who better to start with than the masters of unconditional love!
In love and light,
Kathryn
Fascinating relationship territory. So where does your relationship fit? I kind of think of the three concepts as a three legged race. Independent couples have no legs tied together. Co-dependent couples have all four legs tied up, and interdependent couples, have just their middle legs tied together. Think about conceptually what a race involving all three might look like!
The independent couple are racing against each other, completely oblivious to the fact that if you don't cross the finish line together you lose the race. Independent relationships are relationships where you pretty much operate according to your own needs without much regard or need for communication with the person you are in relationship too. I would love to characterize this as an age related stage, like young people's relationships, but in fact I lived in one of these most of my adult life! It is not age related at all. These relationships could be characterized as more "parallel" relationships. Two people walking beside each other without much cross over in any of their major life arenas. These relationships are often characterized by a lack of conflict, but also a distinct lack of spark. In order to get spark you have to cross over at some point and find some point of friction.
The co-dependent couple can't figure out which direction to go because all four legs are tied up and no one can decide which way to go. They have to move in perfect unity or they cannot move at all. It is an exercise in needing to be a mind reader. Upon leaving an independent relationship, often people swing the pendulum as far as they can to the opposite side, believing that what they were missing was connection. Nothing ever stops in the middle, does it? As you can imagine, swinging over to the far right is just as pathological as sitting on the far left. It just looks different. Now instead of walking parallel paths, now you are so wrapped up in one another that it is hard to see where one person ends and the other begins. If you are sad, I must be sad, if I am happy, you should be happy. The lines are so blurred it is easy to lose yourself. In fact by not being entitled to your own feelings, you have lost yourself. It is a very slippery slope. Co-dependent relationships are based on a lack of healthy boundaries. They are often driven by fear and loss. I would love to tell you that you can skip over this category, but most of us making this trek find ourselves here at least once on the journey to a healthy relationship. More than that if we lack the awareness to recognize where we are.
Now the interdependent couple have their middle legs tied together but have full control over their other leg. They have balance. They still need to check in with where the other partner is, and make sure they are going the same direction but they are way more stable because they never lose their own footing. Their direction setting is based on healthy communication about where they want to go. In a relationship of this type, who you are, is never on the block. You choose your partner based on a full understanding and acceptance of who and what they are, and they do the same for you. You have common and shared interests, but not all of your interests are the same. Instead of weaknesses, you understand that there are areas where you have separate interests and activities that add to, and deepen your partnership. You each bring new friends and experiences that add to the richness of your life. You have areas of independence and areas of interdependence. You retain your individuality, and are able to contribute to a relationship with healthy boundaries. Your relationship is not what defines you as a person, it is something you are an active participant in. It adds to your life, instead of taking away from who you are.
If you understand physics at all, you know that nothing ever stops in the middle on the first swing. The journey is perfect just as it is. However, I am hoping that with a renewed awareness and focusing on the healthy boundaries and the interdependent criteria, that after my "manbatical" comes to an end, that I will confidently be able to manifest a healthy interdependent "soul mate" relationship. For now, I am enjoying a trial run, an interdependent relationship with myself! ( and my dog, two cats and the rabbit. I sound like Dr. Doolittle) But who better to start with than the masters of unconditional love!
In love and light,
Kathryn
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