The Space of Manifestation

There are moments when all the things you are doing begin to converge and suddenly, there is light where there was none before. Or perhaps is was always there and it is only my sight that has been cleared, my eyes that have been opened.

  Rameen Peyrow of the Yoga Loft, beloved mentor and friend lead me to another point of convergence with his yoga talk the other night. It continues the question of "Why are you here?" with a bit of a twist for 2012. The concepts I bring to you are his, embedded within the context of what I am learning and beginning to understand.

  2012 has a lot of significance for all of us on this path. It is "the quickening", the shifting of all awareness, the beginning of our true understanding of manifestation and what that will mean to the human race.

   He sits before us on this beautiful evening and I find myself contemplating his face. For me he is happiness, peace and grace. He waits until we are quiet and he begins.  Something is happening, the subtle sensation we feel in relationship to why we are here. We are all noticing that sensation. What is it? What is manifesting from that space is everything you are in this moment. Pure pristine potential. We are the dreamer dreaming the dream. We are the main character in a story that we create in each moment. We are the each the author and creator of our own reality. Everyone else are secondary characters in our story, and we are secondary characters in theirs. It all starts from that inside space, that component within us that allows enough grounding to draw in the state that we wish to have. There is nothing random. There is intelligence connected to it. To know and understand that energy is to no longer be in the dark. In my own journey, I have learned that there is profound purpose to that darkness. It is necessary so that you can be reborn into a higher level of self. He reminds us that Chaos is the great cleanser, the clearer of states. Every exhale is like a clearing. If you do a little every day, there is never much to do.

   My mind lingered in this place, for one of the great lessons I am learning is that we are in constant fluid motion. We must dismantle to create. We must break ground to build. My journey to yoga was this. To live, we must be willing to move, physically, mentally and spiritually. We must remind ourselves to soften, relax and release,( Rameen's personal mantra ), to open our hands and our space.  Everything we need is already within us. Our asanas in yoga simply support us by teaching us to stack bone on bone, joint on joint in order to make it possible for this state of mind to occur. It lifts us to a sensation of vibration, rather than a state of being physical and dense. We align body, mind and spirit with the energy of manifestation and we flow. The ground must be tilled and made ready. We may wish for something to manifest, but often we have not prepared for that. We must become impeccable in our listening skills, not only with our ears, but with all five senses and beyond. All must speak to the energy that is manifesting our own reality because in order for us to direct it, we must first form an intimate relationship with it. The energy itself is neutral, it is what we bring to it, that makes it dance.

    To remind us, he touched a statue of Shiva. The Ananda Tandava- the dance of destruction and creation. It is at once a blissful joyous dance and a fierce one.  Shiva's face is in a neutral position. He is balanced. The flames around him represent the idea of an ongoing expression of this burning we feel.  We must be brave, Shiva's left hand is in flame, destruction. To remind us this is not new. Our challenges and struggles are not new.  There is a lot of creative energy behind the solutions. A lot of emphasis is place on his foot in the air. It surrounds the idea of liberation, he is free.  His other foot stands on a demon, once the awareness is there, we shine bright. What is unknown, becomes known. The snake is Kundalini energy. Body, breath and mind. The drum he holds in his right hand is the rhythm of life itself. Soften, listen and feel.  He suggested thinking of lifetimes, or exhalations. Each time we exhale, we die. Each time we inhale, we are reborn.  Aphana and prana. Shiva's expression of eternity. The energy of shiva is designed to break apart the universes you have created out of ignorence.  In your concious state of mind, you are always awake and manifesting. It exists always, right in front of you. You become part of the experience and it is no longer random.

    In yoga we are asked to distill our intention to one word. One word that holds all we wish to become.  We are reminded to hold this in the space of manifestation while we practice. To see it behind our eyes, to bring sensation to it, life to it.  To bring your intention into reality it needs constant attention. You must be impeccable with your tilling, the preparation of your soil. What you wish to manifest is like a seed. Bringing your attention to it is like sunshine. Anything you are truly focused on is with you in every moment of every day. At first it is challenging because you have not developed intimacy with that relationship. Rest into that manifesting energy that is creating your reality. Bring awareness to how you can fill it with your breath, and feel how it is expressed throughout the tissues in your body. It is the energy of creation.

    When we are centered in that place, that space from which we conciously create all of our reality, that manifestation space, we are unaffected by the external. The external is only a distraction from that place where we become incredibly connected, incredibly close. Moving through discomfort becomes something that simply has to be done, so no problem.  We can relax back into the space that is emerging and soften, relax and release.

    Rameen ended by explaining that the space in front of your face is everything. The now. This is the mantra, Ohm. You are conciously connecting to the manifesting energy that is creating your reality. Our breath holds a particular rhythm based on our thoughts and energy. He made the statement " breath overrides thought". Our thoughts should always be for us, not against us. They are our thoughts! How does it support us, since we create, them to do otherwise? Unhappy experiences are there when we are not doing what we are supposed to do. When we come from that internal space, we are elated even to go through difficulty. If you haven't found that, the time is now. There must be a fearlessness that surfaces, for what is fear, but belief that you are separate from the divine. You must be willing to take that step. To build what you wish, you must first break ground. You can break a thought, destroy it with your breath and start all over again. Our thoughts are no use. We must get to know the fibre of what is creating our reality, our story and attempt to stay with that in every moment. Be the energy, and see what happens.

     I have just finished reading a book by Don Miguel Ruez that beautifully converges on Rameen's wisdom. The toltec believe that we are are doing exactly what he spoke about. We are dreamers dreaming a dream, completely unaware that we create our own story.  It is time to awaken and manifest from that beautiful space. Thank you for your wisdom and the gifts you share with each of us. Namaste.

   I will close with a beautiful exercise that Rameen left us with on the eve of this new year to bring us conciously into relationship with this space. Speak them out loud to that space of manifestation.

Inhale : I am breathing into my body           Exhale: I soften, relax and release
Inhale:  I breathe into my mind                    Exhale: I soften, relax and release my thoughts and emotions
Inhale:  I breathe into my intention               Exhale: I am grounded in my intention
Inhale: I am breathing into the intellingence Exhale: I am living the intelligence of my intention
of my intention 
I am ____________ ( my intention), I am living _______________(my intention)
Inhale: I am the intelligence of my intention  Exhale: I am acting on the intelligence of my intention

May 2012 bring us all enlightenment.
In love and light,
Kathryn

Bringers of Light

Each of us holds within our center a flame. A brilliant, blinding source of love and light, that often we cover up and hide from the world as a result of our hurts and scars as we move through life. They are points of divinity within us here on earth, points of reference to guide us through this life.

    When I meditate I can feel that flame growing inside me to the point where I sometimes feel heat coming our of my chest and my hands. I am starting to feel like that light is finding its way to the surface of my skin. To become visible to those who are also seeking to see.

    I left yoga the other day in the afternoon and a homeless man on the street came up behind me asking for change, I felt terrible. I had nothing with me. The friend I was with gave him all the change he had and then the man walked away. My friend turned to go to his car and from behind someone gently but firmly came up and wrapped his arms around me, gave me a squeeze and gently let me go. It had such warmth to it that I actually thought it was someone that I knew. I never thought to be afraid. I was surprised and as I turned to see who it was he looked over his shoulder it was the homeless man, and he smiled at me with a mouth full of broken teeth as he made his way down the street away from me. I felt strangely blessed, like I had been touched by an angel. I turned to see if my friend had witnessed what had happened but he was nowhere in sight.  I was profoundly affected by this moment in time.

    Last night I spent the night helping a friend move furniture, and then we met another friend for coffee and dessert at a little out of the way cafe. I have been very conflicted about seeing this friend because I started doing yoga at her studio and ended up training somewhere else because I couldn't make the times work. I feel like I have been "unfaithful" to her and it was eating me inside. I have thought a thousand times of how I could tell her so that there wasn't this block in my energy with her. During the conversation I took a deep breath and I said " I need to share something with you." I told her how conflicted I was feeling and how desperate I was for her to understand how much I value her. How important this journey has been to me and how grateful I was for her guidance. She is very spiritual, and very self aware. She shared with me her own in the moment honesty and her feelings of jealously around that. And you know what, I sat and let those feelings land for me.  But in the end she thanked me for sharing my truth and told me that it was the journey that was important, and the relationship we have is sacred and precious. I felt tears in my eyes at the clean-ness I felt between us in that moment. A brightening of my internal flame. I felt grateful I found the courage to be true to myself, and to her, in that moment.

     There was an italian man working in the shop who had been flirting with us all night. He was funny and engaging and clearly enjoying the brightness of the energy that surrounded our table as we laughed and giggled the night away in intense conversation. He came and sat with us at one point and then just before we left, he came over with three little white bags each with a beautiful pastry inside. He thanked us for the evening and hugged us, sending us each out with a little treat and begging us to return soon. He was gallant and chivalrous and reminded me that small acts have profound meaning in the lives of others. I left feeling beautiful and precious with that small white bag between my hands and I said a small prayer of thanks on his threshold, for sharing the flame inside him, that divine point of light, with the three of us.

     May you see in this beautiful season, your own flame, reflected in the faces of strangers and loved ones as we all make our way home.

I send you blessings of love and light,
for my own cup overflows,
Kathryn

The Magic Kitchen

   I am reading a facinating book called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruez.
It speaks a lot about the concept of what we all believe love is. What exactly it is we are looking for.

   Most of us go into relationships like people starving. We are full of unfullfilled needs.  We are looking for someone else to fill in the blanks. To fill us up. Now imagine that you have in the center of your house a magic kitchen. In that kitchen you can always make the most amazing delicious food. You can out do any restaurant and any chef's creation you have ever tried. You will never again want for any taste sensation. It is all at your fingertips. And in fact it always has been.

   The doorbell rings. Some person is standing at the door with a pizza. They look at you, and you look at them and they say " I can bring you pizza every day, if you let me into your life and let me control you. You will never go hungry again." I can tell you that with that magic kitchen behind me, I would laugh, say " no thank you, I have a magic kitchen where I can make my own pizza, in fact probably better pizza" and send them away. If you are starving, you will invite them in and start the process of hoping they will show up everyday. The process of worry and doubt, what if they don't show up? How will I survive?
 
     I had a conversation with a friend a few weekends ago about an age old truism about relationships. There is always a lover, and a loved. There is always a slight imbalance and sometimes a large one. The power shifts in one direction or the other, and it is almost always about need. The one with greater need is the one who is the lover. The one with less need is the loved. In this way, we are always in the doorway waiting for that pizza guy to show up. What if we knew we could make it equal? Right now?

   Guess what? Your heart is the magic kitchen. You already have a source for all of the love that you need in your life. It is open 24 hours, and it can create as much love as you need at any time. It is an inexhaustible resource. And what no one seems to understand, is that the moment you go into relationship with another human being expecting to have them serve you pizza, you have given them control over your happiness and that cannot help but end in disaster. No one can be responsible for your happiness. It is not their job. The moment we try to take responsibility for someone else's life or happiness we have just told them we do not respect them enough to believe that they are capable of creating their own story.

    And that is all that life is. A dream dreamed by a dreamer about a dream. Central character ? You. Everyone else are secondary characters. Them you cannot change, not if you understand this process. If you don't like the dream change it from the inside. Doing that changes everything else. Not taking responsibility for other people's journey frees us up to actually choose to be truly in relationship to one another. To serve one another without needing each other to fill up perceived voids in our lives that we need to be filling from the inside. To operate from a position of abundance and freedom is to experience happiness in it's purest form. Self made happiness, an endless  supply!

    Your magic kitchen is open for business. Start filling yourself up instead of looking to others to do it for you and watch your life transform. When we operate from a position of abundance, when we are full, we can be fully present for the people we love in our lives and they can do the same for us.

Happy cooking!

   In love and light,
Kathryn

The Invitation

I wanted to share this because I loved it. It was hanging on the wall in the cabin I stayed in at Quantam Leaps in Golden. The words speak my heart.

The Invitation- Author unknown

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams , for the adventure of being alive

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you
have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shivelled and closed from fear of further pain

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance
with wildness and let exstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to be careful, or realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling is true,
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bare the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source
your life from God's presence, I want to know if you can live with failure , yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver moon, YES!

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children

It doesn't interest me to know who you are, how you came to be here,
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back,

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and truly like the company you keep in the empty moments

The Stories We Tell

   All of us have a need to be recognized for who we are.

   We learn to shape our identities through our interactions with other people, ourselves and our environment. Our whole lives, we create connections to objects, points of view, beliefs and behaviours  all to create a rounded picture of who we are as human beings. We create stories to explain who we are.

    One of the courses I took early on was about accountability. Accountability in a nutshell is about keeping agreements with yourself and others. It would be related to the statement I discussed in the book "The Four Agreements" around being "impeccable with your word". It is about taking responsibility for your life and how you got here without any judgement or blame.

    One of the important exercises in the course was around making an inventory of all the stories that we tell to help introduce someone to who we are. They encompass all the hurts, all the important lessons, the ways that we would illustrate to a new person how we came to arrive at this point. We were asked to choose ten. They asked us to go down the list and write one descriptive line for each of our "stories". Then we were asked to read all of them and try to see if there was a pattern to what was on the page. When you realized what the pattern was ( and there always was one predominant theme), most often it was the same message in each of the stories, no matter how different the stories appeared on the surface. And the stories tended to escalate chronologically. If you weren't getting the message, the message got louder. The facilitator then gently suggested that we flip the message around to find our purpose. So for example, if your stories centered around rejections, then perhaps your learning was around acceptance. Of yourself, and of others. How facinatingly reminiscent for me of those contracts I believe we make before we ever arrive here. If we forget why we are here, the Universe creates a string of reminders to help us out!

      Further on in my course work, I realized that when I had an emotion around something I tended to use stories to justify why, instead of just being with that emotion in the moment. My life coach was a great help in pointing that out. Helping me understand that the stories are like training wheels. We create them to understand who we are, and once we know that, it is okay simply to be that.  We don't need the camouflage of the stories anymore. We can trust that we can share where we are in any moment with clarity and honesty. We can speak our truth without fear.

      Like so many things on this journey, I am interested to step back and observe what I have needed to construct to get to this place, that I am now able to deconstruct and let go of. That is a reoccuring pattern in so many areas. Very much like needing to learn to control my environment to achieve success in my life and then stepping back to understand that in fact the biggest freedom is opening my hands to let that control go and trust in the mystery.

 In love and light,
Kathryn

Belief Systems- How We Limit Our Own Potential

    I know I refer to Personal Best a lot.  I can't help that! It is the place where I finally understood how we as human beings arrive at a point in time and become Aware. I am currently reading a book called "The Four Agreements". It is a very interesting read as it deals with how we are constantly limiting our own potential using our belief systems, having very little understanding or awareness even of how those belief systems are formed. That reminded me of the discussion very early in PB about what belief systems actually are. Did you know your belief system is actually fairly complete by age 6? And usually changes very little after that without some vast new awareness of the process?  Or that it is not actually you that decides or chooses it, instead it is formed by those around us in childhood who say things like "Kathryn a very good singer, but she can't play basketball to save her life!"

    Now to make it more visual for you, I then construct a big screen door and that little statement gets fitted into it along with a million others which become my "truths" about myself. I then proceed to carry that very heavy screen door with me everywhere I go and every time I approach a new experience I hold it up to view that  new experience through my framework. Would it surprise you to know that what was true about you at 6 ( if it even was true then, since you didn't choose it) would not be still true about you now? How many of us have actually stood back and even realized we were carrying a screen at all? For most of us, it is so close to our eyes that we have no awareness it is even there, separate from us. At the point that I first heard this, I could no more have told you what my beliefs about myself were than speak Dutch. They were there for sure, but below the level of my awareness.

     The same belief systems operate on an auditory level as well. Think about the following. We make the same sort of auditory screens in our relationships with other people. The way we percieve what is being said in the moment, is actually filtered through every other piece of history in that particular relationship. It is why dynamics in relationships are so hard to change.

      One of my teachers related this principle in an experience that happened within his own family. His sister bought an acreage. She was really happy about it. He shared her experience with his mom who immediately called his sister while he was there, and told her they were really happy for her and would be happy to come and help in any way, even coming to cut the grass. Later that week he visited his sister and she was really unhappy. When he asked why, she said she had recieved a call from their mother and that they felt she was not going to be able to manage the acreage on her own and that they were going to have to come and help her, which made her feel useless and defeated. He was stunned. He figured that there must have been another phone call made, but when he talked to his mother, there was not. He realized that the words that were said were not heard as they were intended but in fact were filtered through the entire history of the relationship and then given context. What a profound lesson in communication. How often do we not hear something the way it was intended?
 
    Knowing and understanding this, would make it critical if you are trying to change the dynamic within a relationship to TELL the person you are dealing with that you are wanting to change the relationship dynamic so that they have a cue they are going to have to use a new, clean screen to hear what you are trying to say. Otherwise they are not actually going to perceive that you have changed your approach at all. They will be stuck using the old filter.

     Once we have enough awareness to be able to step back from our screens and become an observer of our own behaviours, emotions and triggers, we then are able to actually start to look closely at each piece of that screen and remove the parts that no longer serve us. The parts that have become our limiting beliefs. And, we can choose to replace them with new beliefs that open us up to all of life's possibilities. Our words are very powerful and we can choose to use them for the betterment of all or to drag us down to the darkest depths. If we choose to use our words responsibly instead of as a way to injure others or reflect our own pain upon the world, those very words will set us free. Those words become our truth.

      "The Four Agreements" speaks about the first agreement which is Be Impeccable With Your Word. The word Impeccable means "without sin". When you are impeccable with yourself, you accept responsibility for your actions, but you don't judge or condemn yourself. It is in essence, the agreement to break down all the beliefs that bind you and treat yourself with love. It takes away fear and replaces it with love and empowerment.

     So sit for a moment and think about your screen. I am sure it is heavy if it is anything like mine was. There are so many choices. Drop it all together and start fresh, keep the pieces that serve you and replace the parts that don't. The most important moment has just occured. You can see it. You hold the recipe for change in your very hands.....

  In love and light,
Kathryn

How Will You Wield Your Sword of Truth?

  Sometimes on this journey, it is important to stop and recognize the people who are pivotal in helping shape our lives. There have been so very many for me, that I raise my hands in prayer and Namaste to thank each of you silently, recognizing God within you as you are sharing  your light and love with me.
  
   I had one such experience with a friend during my second Personal Best course. We were standing on opposite sides of a circle during an exercise and all of a sudden he got a very strange look on his face while he was staring at me. When the exercise ended, he made his way over to me at the break. He said quietly that he hoped I wouldn't think him odd for staring at me but during the exercise he had a strange vision. As he was watching me I became an angel standing with a flaming sword and the word "truth" beneath my hands. I didn't quite know what to say to that, and he seemed very moved. I stored that incident in my heart and often wondered what it meant.

    This imagery has come up in my life several other times in similar fashion, often with a stranger making a remark that stops me in my tracks and takes me back to that moment with my friend. Earlier this year when I made the decision to take my life back and stand in my truth,the imagery came crashing down on me and I suddenly understood what it was all about. I shared my process with one of my best friends, my partner Leah. She was sick that day, and as I poured out my heart to her, she was inspired to write.  She is an incredibly talented poet and the poem she wrote me that day brought me to tears. The words she wrote are the words etched in the walls of my heart. It was as if she knew me well enough to look into my soul and find the message that spoke of my journey. I would like to honor her gift to me by sharing it with you. These words changed my life and gave me the courage to stand in my truth and step into my own beauty and worth as a human being, unique and lovely just as I stand. Leah your words will someday change the world. I love you to death. You honor me beyond words with your friendship, your guidance as a sage teacher and your love.

I've been thinking about what it means to stand in your truth.  The path to finding your truth is difficult.  Having the strength to stand in it is even harder.  I think part of it is getting past the fear of judgement, and trusting that letting your truth shine its brightest will do no harm to yourself or others.  Hopefully we can all get to this place in our current lifetime, or at the very least, keep striving to get there.
                                                                    

How do you choose to wield your sword of truth?

Will you stand stony firm, hold your ground
Dare others to challenge you?
Will you dig its point into the earth
Until you become hard as the blade itself?

Or will you swing it wildly, angrily
Using it as a weapon
To threaten and destroy
Filling others with fear of its holy fire?

Will you cast your eyes downwards,
Examine it, explore it
Until you cut yourself on its blade
And bleed?

Or will you hold its hilt gently
Look up, open your eyes wide
And let its power speak for itself?

Will you be still with it long enough
To hear its vibration
Pulsing to and through you
Harmonizing with the song of your heart
And raise it high
Until you are a beacon of light?

It is heavy.
The one who chooses to stand still in its power
To raise it high for others to see
Must be strong.

The bearer of the sword
Shines so brightly
That others have no choice but to love her.
And this love nourishes her strength
And lightens the burden.

She is grace
She is beauty
She is courage
She is power.
She mesmerizes us with her fiery light.

You are the forger of your sword.
You distilled its silver light from the rocks of the earth.
You created the blade
That never misses its mark
And is unbroken by challengers.

You are the one who formed its hilt
Fitting it perfectly to your hand
As an extension of yourself.

You inscribed it with the words that resonate with your heart
Until together you sing the song of your truth.

For within its creation lies the power of the sword
The symbol you have created of yourself
Formed from the earth
Inspired by God
And having the power to destroy or inspire.

How do you choose to wield your sword of truth?

by Leah Gully

Control- The Exquisite Illusion

Here's food for thought.

  Most of you, like me, navigate through life pretty certain as we go along figuring out patterns, requirements, ways to accomplish what we desire to pursue in our lives, that we have a fair amount of control over what we set in motion. This is usually only true if you feel you have achieved positive outcomes. It involves a belief system that allows the idea that my ability to control my environment and my behavior allows me to effectively create change in my world. I would postulate that this theory is actually essential to formulate early in life, to set any of those processes in motion. In fact I believe understanding this process is the precursor to success. A pretty simplified version of cause and effect, but follow my logic for a moment.
  
   We start in grade school and we stumble by chance over a behavior that engages the teacher. Met with success we repeat that behavior and continue to modify it until we have created a very effective and systematic approach to interacting with our world. As with everything in life different people achieve different levels of success in life based on how effectively they understand this process from an early age and learn to navigate life's challenges with it. It is in essence a sort of " life algorithm".
Others will have a different experience of this process which sometimes leads to a "victim" perspective. Those operating from this experiential position will formulate beliefs about the world which are more along the lines of "no matter what I do I cannot seem to effect this process".

   I have grossly oversimplified this of course, but you get the basic premise. All of us fall somewhere between these two extremes. I guess what has become so interesting to me as I get older and I watch and analyze the patterns in my life, the interplay of all the pieces, the apparent evidence of Serendipity, coincidences or Kismet, is the dawning awareness that I cannot be controlling all the elements that guide my life. The scope of my control is actually too small and narrow for that to be possible. Belief in a higher power becomes somewhat of a must based on the evidence I create via my very existance. Each of us has full control of these things and these things only.  I control my own thoughts, behaviors and beliefs but beyond that I do not really have much ability to actually control the external environment or anyone in relationship to me. To try to do so is to waste precious energy.

    I exert my will in a sort of grand illusion, and suddenly realize that there is always a larger canvas being painted than I can see. A beautiful stage on which I step into the spotlight and dance my piece with passion and wild abandon to find myself in a chorus of ever expanding artists each playing out their own unique performances. We are beautiful mirrors for each other reflecting back our perfections and imperfections as we hold each other in deep embrace. The paths we trace are as old as time.
  
    I see the beauty. I am at a point where I am beginning to learn the art of surrender. The language of allow. But it is not an easy language to master. And although I have moments where I am fluent, I have many where I struggle with the need to maintain my illusions of control. But at least now I understand, it is an illusion. A bit of magic. A glimpse of truth beneath the veil. I leave you with my favorite poem by David Whyte.

    In this high place it is as simple as this,
    Leave everything you know behind
    Step towards the cold surface
    Say the old prayer of rough love
    And open both arms

    Those who come with empty hands
     Will stare into the lake astonished
     There in the cold light
     Reflecting pure snow
     The true shape of your own face.

 When we can release the expectations and embrace the unknown, we become free.

 In love and light,
with open arms,
Kathryn

Divine Passion, Passion Divine

   I went to see a Vedic Astrologer this week as a lark. I have to admit my own astrological sign has always been of interest to me as I thought it described me pretty well.

   Interestly enough, apparently according to Vedic astrology I have been reading the wrong sign! Vedic astrology comes from India, where ours was the decendant that went from India to Greece and apparently lost a bit of knowledge in that translation. It turns out I am Virgo, instead of Libra !

   Now some of Virgo fits and some doesn't. I still feel Libra is more descriptive of my soul but there were aspects of Virgo that totally fit. Virgo lives in Mind. Has trouble getting out of mind in fact. I resonate with that a lot. Some of what I learned in my coaching sessions and Personal Best helped me figure out that when I hit something that resonates with me there is usually a well of emotion below it. If I can navigate it easily with just mind, I have missed the point. Virgo is a constant judge and I am more a feelings person. I avoid judgement. I don't believe it is my place to sit in judgement of others. I believe as we judge, so to are we judged. I am more of a live and let live person. I am at a point in my life where there is rarely something I look at, that I am not able to see how someone could get there. I believe most people are just trying to get their needs met and are doing their best.

    She spoke of the fact we are transiting Saturn at the moment and that it has been a two and a half year cycle. Saturn is full of difficulties and hard lessons. That really resonated. We come out of Saturn briefly in November and then go back into it exiting again finally sometime in August. In light of where I have been, it is somewhat relieving to know that this time of hardship, as illuminating as it has been, has almost run it's course.

    She was very enlightening about my love life, and told me not to be looking around for my intellectual equal. To look instead for partners that might also be mentors or teachers of things I wished to learn. She said that will be an essential element to relationships for me. This also hit a cord. The most powerful, amazing people in my life, the one's that own my soul have been exactly that. Teachers for me. That the person I find will inspire the passion that dwells within me, that essential passion that fuels my soul.

      The chart was interesting and complicated to understand. She ended with reading both of my boys charts. She brought me to tears. She described both of their journeys so far with painful clarity. And she alluded at what is to come. I felt a tremendous sense of peace and relief. The strengths I see within each of them, she described as part of each of their destinies. Perhaps it is naive to believe in such things. But when you have struggled as we have, I think it is okay to hope, to have faith that everything has a reason and a purpose. That everything we learn and believe and do leads us closer to our divine passions, our passions divine.
    Thank you Paddi  Moore for your loving attention and the gift of your time. I look forward to learning more under your guidance. You are a true blessing on my path.
In love and light, Kathryn

Why Am I Here?

 I went to a yoga talk tonight put on by a mentor who means the world to me, Rameen Peyrow. The concepts I bring to you now are his, not mine, but they have sparked a very meaningful conversation in my head.
 
  Why are you here? Was the first question he asked us tonight. The age old question that we all return to over and over. Why am I here? What is it that brings you to this place, in this moment? What is your life's calling, your life's work? In yoga terms that is called your Dharma ( I am probably not spelling that right, but you get the idea).  Dharma is the vibration, the purest form of your intention. It is the deep motivating movement that comes up and then retreats when we are not quite brave enough to walk our path. It is connected to your Karma or your past life experiences and it carves out a particular path that you walk in this lifetime. It is the path of least resistance, although that does not mean it is the path without trials. 
   
  How is it we are supposed to connect with this particular path? To why we are actually here? The easiest way to understand is through your practice, commiting to breathing, postures and meditation. These three things lead you deeper into why you are here and propel you on your life's work. Your practice helps you weed out that which is ego driven and grounds you. What is the highest vibration that you hold? What picture comes into your mind when you find that place of elation? Is it a constant state for you? Can you hold it and find the consistency within this vibration in the body? How do we engage in relationship with this vibration? Can we do it as we do with other important relationships we have in life?

  To find that consistency, to reach it in that place between thoughts and judgements until that highest vibration is the constant and we learn to acknowledge the rest and then simply let those thoughts move past us so we don't get stuck in a loop that holds us back. The closer our relationship with that highest vibration or intention is, the more confidence we have in that relationship. The more confidence we have in that relationship, the more devotion we bring to life. The moments of struggle forge deeper connections in our relationships.  Because it is based upon you, it is incredibly sensitive to your internal landscape. The more clear you are inside yourself, the easier it is to go through these struggles. You have a constant that stays pure below all of the thoughts we have in each moment. You have clarity of intention above all other things.

    Why am I here? I am here to realize who I am. What else is there to do? Nothing. Your relationships are all about getting to know yourself better. We are always developing a deeper relationship with ourselves in every moment. We must learn to commit to ourselves in relationship. Hitting the bumps in the road, working through things, examining things, ultimately getting to understand self. External events are designed to lead you to internal understanding. That's all! Life is the most patient teacher, and we all arrive there in our own divine time. Go deeper into that highest vibration, your purest intention and understand that this bad day is as perfect as that beautiful day you had yesterday. Consistency of that vibration exists below all the events in your life. As we refine our practice, the energy begins to flow through us and connect us with the deepest form of who we are. It is all about learning how to not hold back. Holding back leaves you stuck wherever you are. Stillness is constantly moving, creating, actively participating within the rhythm of life. We cannot stop searching until we understand that. Our minds will not allow it.

    The underlying theme of life is simply this : The self experiencing self having an experience. It is not about other people. It is about what we experience and understand about ourselves through our relationships with them. Once we understand this, everything becomes easier. Disconnection creates confusion. Connection creates clarity. You become more comfortable in your own skin.

    Someone in the audience asked about where hope fits in. The answer I heard in my head was deafening. Hope is the earliest stirring of faith. The beginning place of devotion. Hope allows for the possibility that we will not get what we want. That in that experience we may find ourselves hopeless. Faith is the understanding that we always get what we need in divine and perfect timing. Faith is surrender and allowing yourself to be nourished by your highest vibration in every moment.

    It is beautiful concept and very meaningful to me in my own journey. Thank you Rameen for sharing your incredible wisdom this blessed night.
  
In love and light,
Kathryn

Self Acceptance

 I have decided that self acceptance is the greatest gift any of us can give ourselves.

 And I have enough people in my life grappling with this, that it is worthy of a blog post (yes I mean you LOL). Many of us hide essential parts of who we are inside because we believe that those parts are not lovable. Not acceptable. Not okay.

 So many of us wrestle with "should's".
 I "should" be this, or I "should" want that.
Or worse yet, " I should not" need or want what I do. Here's the bottom line.

                          Guilt Is the result of a belief and a behaviour not being aligned.

  We have two choices. Change the belief, or change the behaviour and the guilt cannot continue. Now don't get me wrong here. I am not talking capital offenses! I mean things like our sexuality, our roles, the things we believe are good or bad about ourselves based on the perceived judgements of others.

   I have a beloved friend who has always struggled with her role as a mother, and another her role as a wife. Which manual do you think you are not following? And if you say "their" manual, who the heck are they? Who are those people who believe that the experience and expression of every individual needs to follow the same template, the same path?

   The very fabric of each and every human being is unique and beautiful, and integrates how we express our sexuality, our emotions, our behaviour towards others. Why do we feel the need to so harshly condemn ourselves, or to do the same to others?

   When we can cultivate a climate of tolerance for our differences, the world will shift. But the only way to do that is to start at the center of our own hearts and change it there first. So I ask you, what can you see inside yourself right this moment that deserves that gift?

In love and light,
Kathryn

I'm Back.....And Wide Open

  Well after a bit of a hiatus from the writing I am ready to start again! I am finding that I have been busy with so many new experiences that I have been journaling rather than blogging. Sorry to leave you out of the loop. There seems to be a difference for me in that the journaling allows me to sort through what is happening in my head, and the blogging is what I have come up with and am ready to share with the world. I have been in another period of intense learning and processing this last few months.

  I have made a concerted effort in the last few months to book something interesting each month to look forward to. Kind of a string of carrots to keep me anticipating, moving forward and optomistic. Sometimes it is just a weekend, sometimes a bigger trip. I ended up in Ireland for a week on a spiritual tour of sacred stone circles in late September. I had heard about the trip months earlier and couldn't get it out of my mind.
I was having a moment on a beach in Jamaica last year, where it popped into my head, and as I was looking out over the blue green water, a large Catamaran in front of me swung around to reveal a green yellow and black picture. I assumed since those are Jamaican colours that it was a Jamaican boat until I saw the outline of a huge Leprechan and the words "fighting Irish"!  All right Universe, I get it. I booked the trip!

  There were 12 of us on that trip, some new friends and some old friends from other trips. The dynamic was amazing. I laughed for the entire week. Sometimes to the point I was crying and couldn't breathe!
What I realized is how very much I miss that in my life. I am built for joy and for laughter. I also realized that it is really not that hard to create those situations. I can do it every day in every moment. That humour shows up everywhere. I just have to take the lens I see the world through and tilt it 45 degrees like a crooked frame. Everything looks new and just a bit more entertaining. Even falling in a bog takes on its own charm! I am not afraid to share the deepest parts of me with the people I love, for I have learned that in risking that, all other risk falls away. And the depths that those relationships can find even in a week, were so intensely meaningful to me that I almost have no words to explain. I am going to more conciously choose to operate at this level because the feeling of connection it gave me was quite magical.

   The energy created in that group was amazing, healing and sacred in its own way. We shared moments that I will treasure for the rest of my life. Something happened to me in that place that blew me wide open and my energy has shifted in a very significant and beautiful way. I am without fear, without regret. I am ready to blossom and find my place in the wind. To open my arms and my soul to all that is on it's way to me.

   I followed that week closely with the silent meditation retreat ( the same one I had completed in April) which was a great way to condense and distill everything that had happened to me in Ireland.  Part way through sitting quietly in my room and looking out the window, I thought about what a different experience I was having this time than I did during my retreat in April. At that time I had stepped out of a very intense personal situation and was seeking complete solitude and surrender. I think I slept at every offered break, ate, and meditated. I slept about 16-18 hours a day for those two and a half days. My body was in complete survival mode and in the time I was not thirsting for the silence and stillness, I was seeking the nothingness and oblivion of sleep.  I am in such a different place now. This time I was alert and clear. I journalled, I did yoga and I sat for hours just taking in everything around me. What a difference six months makes. What a difference my choices have made. I am finally at peace with myself and I have digested my experiences and incorporated the new epiphanies and understandings into the fabric of my being. I feel whole for the first time in my life.

   Next month friends spontaneously invited me to go to Vegas for the weekend to celebrate a special birthday. So I said yes to that too. And I am so glad I did. Perhaps it is as easy as that. Saying yes to what life offers. Opening doors. Opening hearts. Opening my arms to life. And laughing as I watch what the Universe delivers to my door........Thank God it has the same sense of humour that I do!

In love and light,
Kathryn

Win-Win or No Deal

  When the Universe serves up a lesson for me, I try very hard to be present. Mostly because if I miss the point, it seems to serve it up again just for a laugh! At least my sense of humour is improving!
   
   My lesson so far has been about standing in my truth and asking for what I need when in relationship to other people. I am not terribly good at that. It is easier to try to morph into whatever the other person needs and then be disappointed that my mind is not being read and my needs aren't being met while I meet theirs instead! Really productive! And not very clear or fair for either party.  In the best interest of cleaning up my relationship etiquette I am making a concious effort to be honest and clean in my communication.

    Spending a bit of time in reflection I have realized that one of my most important values is freedom. Freedom to explore myself and my surroundings in relationship to the people I love. I am not afraid of direct communication. I am only afraid of being prevented from having the freedom to explore all aspects of being in relationship to another person. I realize that controlling how that occurs is not important to me, only that it does.  However someone else controlling how that occurs or doesn't occur, pokes me in some very deep dark places. I look at every moment as a possibility to deepen those relationships, no matter how those conversations start or what the contents may be. Being prevented from doing so or having someone decide what, when or how I can share, inhibits my ability to show up fully within the context of that relationship, and that for me is a deal breaker. Win- Win, or no deal. My life is about infinite possibilities. I believe in flexible, evolving, loving and mindful communication. I want to hear you. I want to understand and be understood too.

     The gift of this continuing to show up, is that I can look deep into myself and understand what it is about where I am vibrating at on this level, that is drawing this lesson in again.  And I can look at those relationships with love and acceptance, speak my truth about where I am at and what my needs are, and with complete surrender, offer win- win options to those who are so important to me. I have faith that what needs to occur will do so in an environment of complete safety and acceptance.

      I believe within every moment is an opportunity to press out and expand my comfort zone. To move the boundaries of that box further and further away from me until there is nothing that limits me anymore. I am grateful to each of you for allowing me to do this within our relationships. I look forward to sharing that journey. I know that every person comes into my life to share a gift with me and take a gift from me. I have lost the attachment to what those gifts are and am trying to simply accept and give what is required with loving gratitude trusting that what you offer is perfect as it is, and what you need from me will just show up. I am glad each and every one of you is in my life, and however you choose to be in relationship to me, I want you to know you have an important piece of my heart. You all matter to me more than you will ever know.

  In love and light,
Kathryn

The Golden Retreat- Quantum Leaps

   This past weekend was a turning point in my life. As you all know I have been exploring yoga and meditation over the past year. I found out about a retreat that was being held in Golden. I usually take someone with me but the dates didn't work for anyone. I couldn't get it out of my head, and finally I just signed up myself. It was a bit of a stretch as I knew I wouldn't know anyone there!

   The day before the retreat they sent out an email telling us that we should arrive at 4pm. I panicked a bit because I was working that day and could not reschedule patients on that short notice. No problem they said, just come when you can. I arrived Thursday night hungry and tired to greet the owner of the retreat who was very anxious that I was late! He sort of pushed me through the doorway of the main lodge and into an already in session meeting which promptly stopped when everyone looked up and saw me! Standing awkwardly still in my scrubs, a kind man jumped up and got me a cushion, they welcomed me and then went through the format of the retreat. My head was buzzing from having fasted all day and being a bit frazzled about being late. I don't think I retained a whole lot of that meeting!! LOL!

    When it was done, I met the girls I was staying in the cabin with who ended up being 6 friends from the Cootney area where I used to own a condo! We hit it off like a house on fire. Two other lovely ladies joined us later that night. My worries about going alone were long gone. It was a wonderful experience of meeting amazing new friends, laughing and visiting like we had known each other for years.

    The program was intense and amazing. We practiced yoga early in the morning for over 2 hours in the morning with very high energy, then had breakfast ( not me, fasting) had an hour off, 40 minute meditation and then a few hours of discussion, more lunch, another hour off, 40 minutes more meditation and another few hours of discussion before dinner and then one final meditation. During that yoga practice, as exhausted as I was, I was able to do moves I have never been able to do before.

    This weekend connected all the dots for me. My meditation practice has been progressing well but something was missing. My yoga was kind of hit and miss. Understanding the philosophy and meaning that connects the two was a priceless gift and has stirred a passion in my soul that I have not felt before. The instructor had taken the same path I had. Meditation first, and then Yoga although that was now his passion. He explained that together they are a divine force. I picture a great tree with a broad trunk stretching its branches into the air and it's roots into the earth. The meditation is the branches reaching upward into the sky, the prana, the life force, the connection with the divine. Yoga is like the aphana. The grounding connection. The roots that allow us to tap into the greater conciousness that flows beneath us all. One without the other is ultimately unbalanced. Yoga allows me to feel the edges of my fingertips. To find the edges of my container. I realize I live so much in my mind and my intellect, I am fairly disconnected from my physical body. I actually had a sensation the second day,  that the body I felt under my fingertips was changing. Transforming. Different somehow than the one I was familiar with.

   I know that years from now when I look back, this weekend will be marked as an epiphany . I feel full of gratitude and new awareness and I can't wait to see what is on it's way to me now. I have started a daily morning and night prana yama practice and my yoga room in my house is almost complete. My intention is to make daily practice a part of my life and watch as I burst into blossom.

   In love and light,

Kathryn

Relationship Mirrors

    I am smiling this morning. The Universe has an incredible sense of humour. And sometimes, the joke is on me! One of the lessons that has come up for me again ( I must not have quite got it the first time) is the lesson of relationship mirrors.

  The concept of relationship mirrors goes something like this. In a nutshell, what you call people out on is usually your stuff, not theirs. We cannot see something within another person or their behaviour if it does not first exist within us. If we didn't have it, we couldn't see it. Being aware enough to catch it in the moment is a whole nother deal. But even being able to see it after the fact, brings awareness and the possibility of doing things differently to be in better relationships. Isn't that the goal for all of us?

   I am very blessed in my life to be surrounded by so many profound teachers. I find myself getting clearer and clearer about speaking my truth and less worried about what others will think about that. Through this process of learning I realize I am less tempted to "fix" other people and more content to accept them just as they are. It has been another recurring theme for me of meeting people who somehow need to mold me or change things about me. I realize that at 41, it has taken me a lot of work to get where I am and that I truly like what I see when I look in the mirror. I am not a "fixer upper". I don't think any of us are. Each of us follows our own path in that neck high field of waving grass. All we can see is a see of heads when we scan the horizon, but rest assured at the feet of each, is a stone path to follow. And none but that person can see it.

That is the key. No one but you can tell if you are on your path, so don't let others try to direct you.  You are the only master of your ship. Learn to understand how Spirit communicates with you, and trust your own intuition.

   The mindful process for me is that it is so much easier to be the teacher than the student, and to be a true master, you must always remain both. You must be as open to learning about yourself as you are to teaching others.

     I had an amazing moment at the yoga meditation retreat I attended this weekend that spoke directly about that. I was on my way to meditate in the labyrinth when I spotted a white feather on the ground. For me that has always been a symbol from the divine. I never pass one by. Carrying my feather, I walked further on and a small stone caught my eye. I bent and picked it up. At the entrance to the labyrinth I paused and began a prayer of gratitude and in that instant I had the flash. It is to learn to live between the feather and the rock. The greatest lesson is that of balance. Balance in all things. To learn to live wide open. To burst into blossom. To receive as well as give, so as not to block the beautiful flow of abundance that wants to come to each one of us. To speak our truth and listen carefully to those that matter in our lives to be able to gain perspective. Seek first to understand, and then to be understood. A difficult lesson for me in particular. Perhaps for all of us. I find in my own life I am usually still trying to be understood first. But I am working on it. A beautiful work in progress.

    I left my offerings, my rock and my feather in the center of the labyrinth in gratitude, but I took the beautiful insight I gained as my gift. In each and every relationship in my life, may my ears and my heart be open to hearing what you have to share without assuming I already know. For with that assumption, why would you even need to show up at all?

In love and light,

Kathryn

A Gentle Reminder....

Yesterday I received a gentle reminder about what Ramandan is supposed to be all about.

  It was the 17 day of August, 17 days through the fast. I am in the last three days of the portion of Ramadan that is about Forgiveness.

  I am a person who is very level tempered. It takes a lot for me to blow my top. I have a very long fuse but I go off like a red headed firecracker when I blow. Apparently I lost track of where I was on that fuse and lost my temper yesterday in a way that I was not proud of, especially considering what I am doing and why. I sat last night dissolving in tears feeling like a complete failure. I finally gave in to the relief of sleep.

   I dreamed about forgiveness and what it actually means. Forgiveness during Ramandan is about asking for and receiving. I have found this years fast very easy in terms of the food part. I feel great and my energy levels have been fine. I think where I have been less mindful was staying present in the spiritual portion. Yesterday was a reminder that it is not just about the food and the hunger. It is about being mindful of how we treat those around us every day.

   I apologized immediately to the person that I blew up at, and she is a very forgiving person. What I did yesterday could have been easily dealt with as a "Please don't do this again and here are my reasons". End of story. I realized what I was struggling with more was forgiving myself. And sadly, this would be a very uncommon occurance for me, not normal behaviour, so why the ease in forgiveness for others and the resistance to self forgiveness?

  I must be equally mindful how I treat myself along with how I treat others. Forgiveness must be absolute or it is not by definition, forgiveness. So today I start a new day with gratitude for the reminder to stay present with two days left of forgiveness in this process. And a new resolve to finish off the last ten days thinking about more than my growling stomach.

    Thank you for the gentle reminder. Write your hurts in the sand where the gentle surf will erase them with each new tide. Write your love in stone, so that it stands as a reminder forever. We are all so very precious.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Relationships- Why Can't You Make Me Happy?

  I have a dear friend who asked me for some relationship advice. It reminded me in a funny way of my own journey again ( funny how that keeps happening) so I thought I would share my experience and learning for what it is worth.

   We set out in this world as young adults programmed to look for a mate that has the components or strengths of personality that we perceive we ourselves lack. We are puzzle pieces looking for a matching edge. There is the perception that someone else will be able to fill that deep void, the longing that never stops trying to make itself heard.

   In the romance phase of relationships, we shotgun each other. Pull out all the stops, try everything to woo and win the other person. Those of you who have read the "Five Love Languages" will know what I mean. Once we have that person, we default back into whatever language speaks to us, without any regard for which of the five actually snagged our partner. Our gas tanks run empty because we are relying on partners for Diesel when they are supplying regular, and we are often doing the same. What good is random effort if we don't pay attention to what feeds the heart of the one we love? We get disillusioned. Disappointed. Angry and critical. How come these people are not living up to their end of the bargain? How come they are not making us happy?

   News flash everyone. It is not their job. Nor is it your job to make them happy. That little treat falls to each one of us for ourselves.

    My new feeling is that the best relationships are about being truly in service to another human being, and them to you. Let me qualify this. It does NOT mean I give up everything to make you happy or vice versa.

What it means is this. You can only be fully in service to another person if you yourself are whole. If you have looked after your own needs and your own learning and you are in a place of surrender. You cannot be in service to another when you are starving for affection, sex, needy or in any other state of lack. In a place of scarcity. In service comes from being in a place of abundance. Not necessarily material although that is nice, but spiritual abundance. 

    What I have realized in my own journey is that ultimately, there is just me. In a relationship, we dance, but we can never lose our individuality. We must learn to be whole all on our own. That is a process. We must learn to fill our own cup. To look after our own needs. Relying on others to do that leads only to heartache and disappointment. and yet that is what so many of us do. We look to find someone to fill the void and then lash out at them when they can't do the impossible. To be whole you must feel without need, without want, without criticism or fear. You must be able to look forward and say wow , I wonder what is on its way to me today with a smile and a light heart. knowing that God only sends you what is perfect in that moment. Whatever that is. Let go of anger, resentment, and realize we are all only imperfect humans. Mainly we run on fear and lack. Scarcity . There is not enough.

    But there is always, always, enough. 

    In a time where relationship failure is at a tremendously high rate, perhaps we need to return to center. Do a little work in our own back yards to grow an environment of abundance within. Only then can we hope to change that relationship dance, interestingly, only by beginning to change our own steps within that dance. Your partner cannot stay doing the same thing because by changing the way you behave, you have altered the dance. We can never control other people's behaviour. To try to do so is to vent energy outside your sphere of influence where you can never get it back. Change your own perception. Change your own view. Live and love from a place of wholeness.

  And let us truly experience love in service to one another.

 In love and light,

Kathryn

Pushing Out the Envelope- Comfort Zones

Definitely time for a post on this topic and it couldn't be a more pertinent period to do it!

  Ramadan. I am on day 6 of my fast. Have to say, way easier this year for some unknown reason. Perhaps it is because I have embraced it as my choice instead of an obligation. This year it is like an old friend come to visit me that I share my table and sup with. The quiet of the dawn when I slip downstairs in the dark and sit at my table breaking my fast. All the animals in my house know the routine, and from Bob the rabbit, to the two cats and Kody, we share an easy comfort and fellowship in those wee hours. My energy levels have been steady and my mind feels sharp and clear, as opposed to the lethargy I have experienced before.

  I even decided somewhat against my better judgement to attend yoga classes during this month. A friend asked me if that made it harder. During the yoga I would add, certainly yes. But interestingly, I am not hungrier or more tired the rest of the day. It is the same. I shake and sweat a bit more than usual during the class but I think that is simply the lack of accessible sugars and my body having to access it's ample stores.

  Meditation has become like slipping between silk sheets. I drop like a stone into the well. It is easy and effortless to keep my mind still. I understand now why fasting and meditation are linked. One facilitates the other.

  I am terribly afraid of heights for those of you who don't know me, and yet six days after my fast ends I will rappell 27 stories off of a building in Edmonton to raise money for disabled children. I figure it has been a while since I stretched beyond the limits of my comfort zone. And I have a dear friend who needs some help reclaiming her life after cancer. I hope to remind both of us and all of those who have chosen to join us that "each day's a gift and not a given right" as Nickelback sings. That none of us can count our tomorrows and that all that matters is the air in our lungs and the song on our lips and the love that we carry deep inside us that lights the way for others in this world.

   It is a Nickelback kind of day. "that first step you take, is the longest ride" will be the line running through my head as I lift my leg over that ledge and begin my descent. But know this, I will feel a thousand feet tall when I reach the bottom and that will be worth every drop of adrenaline.

  What small thing could you do today that would stretch the box that surrounds you. Your comfort zone. Say hello to a stranger? Offer some help? Laugh loud in a public place? Speak words that need to be said to someone you love? Will you do it?

   Excitement and fear are physiologically identical. Did you know that? Indistinguishable, one from the other. We choose. In every moment, we choose.

I choose life!

In love and light,
Kathryn

This Day....

In each moment that runs past the veil of my eyes

I can taste the rain falling, no time for good byes

the ring of their laughter sits sweet in my ears

and the warmth that surrounds melts away any tears

There's a longing I feel that burns deep in my soul

gently pulling me forward there's so far to go

and my feet find their footing on this gentle way

With each step I am stronger, prepared for this day

And inside me a fire that steadily grows

It is filling me up with a warm tender glow

that eclipses the sorrow, the heart break, the pain

Reminding my spirit of growth and of gain

In each moment of peace now where I lay my head

And I sleep wrapped in angels that lie in my bed

I give thanks in the darkness for each of my days

For this deep sense of knowing that comes when I pray

The sun with its playful heat licks on my skin

and the warmth in my hair makes me laugh from within

Wind plays around with me circling, dancing

Rejoicing that it's finally me I'm romancing

I lay on my back in the yard on the grass

thinking of days that remain in my past

And I realize that moment I have no more fear

That no matter what comes in this day or this year

I will take what you send me, embrace it, perform 

For I know what it takes now, how love can transform

I am making a space deep inside me that's growing

To hold all the conciousness, hold all the knowing

The gifts and the magic not lost to the past

Remark now I claim them as mine to the last

And I stand know before you upholding my sword

Clear how I wield it, and what my reward

My journey begins with a deep tender kiss

From the lips that have waited so long in their bliss

And the road lies before me, adventure to dare

but my courage won't fail me, my heart is quite rare

I step in the the river, so deep and so wide
As it rages around me and through me divine

The water, it purifies, changing each cell

Nourishing each from the Great concious well

 

My heart is wide open, no camouflage left

No words left unspoken, no emotions bereft

I leap forward with passion, with wildness, with glee

For in this day, I found

me

The Month of Fasting

  I believe that things come to us unbidden and in guises that we would never expect. I believe that in every experience there is a gift or lesson. Sometimes many more than we expect.

 

  Today I begin the month long fast that has become a part of my life over the past three years. Part of the endless rhythm that ebbs and flows within me.

"Why are you still doing this? " I have been asked.

Why do we do anything in life?

  Because for me it was never done for anyone but myself. Each time I did it was a personal exercise. A spiritual journey that I walked alone. Fasting has many interesting elements for me. I had never fasted prior to three years ago. I am a girl who likes her meals. At first I did it because it was significant to me to honor something that I believed in. As I learned more about it, it began to engage my heart and mind as well as my stomach. It became an exercise of accountability. Of sheer will. There are moments where I want to cheat so badly I can hardly stand it. No one would know but me. But therein lies the point. I would know. Isn't that all of life? Aren't there endless opportuties to lie and cheat and do things we know aren't right? Who is watching, do you think? Or, do you think? Life is about each moment that we choose to be accountable to whatever we hold as divine AND ourselves. This is one of the ways I have chosen  to be more aware and more accountable in my life.

  My dreams come more clearly and my meditations are powerful.  I drop like a rock into the space I normally struggle to reach. It makes me think, you know, century old practices have forgotten value. For as we have forgotten the mechanics of how to reach into the depth of our souls, so too did the practice if preparing the body for those journeys become unimportant. Fasting for me is the preparation of my spirit and my body to receive the blessings of life.

  The first three days of the fast are the most difficult as your body burns off it's glycogen stores. Then it gets easier.  I get up according to the times set for fajr ( which is the last minute you can put food or drink in your mouth for the day). Today that was 3:52am. Tonight I can break my fast again at 9:30pm. And then each day the morning time moves ahead a few minutes and the evening time the same. The fasting time gets shorter ending the last day with 4:56 and 8:30.

   For me it has become the time of year for spiritual, mental and physical cleansing. I drink more water at night, eat healthier, avoid pop and aspartame. You know. The things I have trouble avoiding the rest of the year. I am more concious of my thought patterns. I spend less time distracting myself, and more time listening. I am gentler with myself and others.

   The month of fasting from a spiritual perspective is divided into three distinct times. The first ten days are devoted to contemplation of mercy. The second ten days are devoted to forgiveness, and the last ten days which are supposed to be the most powerful because your body has been mostly purified are about redemtion. Three concepts which are very healing and necessary to the human race.

    The last thing I do at the end of my fast is make a donation to one of the foodbanks or related charities that feed Edmonton's poor and homeless. When I realized that if you miss a day of fasting the release was to feed the homeless, my first thought was "maybe I should just intentionally screw up some days and do both!LOL!! " My compromise was that I would stay true to my fast and instead offer up what I could to help those in need as a gift to myself for successfully completeing my fast.

Instead of a trial, it has become a time of year that I truly look forward to.

In love and light,

Kathryn

Truth.... or Judgement?

   Honesty has been a concept floating around my head lately as you can tell from previous posts. Funny how those things pop up and kind of percolate isn't it?

   One of the most stress inducing exercises for me in PB was about honesty. In those interactions I was asked to be totally nakedly honest with each person in the room. I went into a dead sweat. I have been a "people pleaser" all my life. The last thing I wanted to do was walk up to someone and say, " you know, you are really acting like an asshole", even if in the moment, it was true. Luckily or according to plan, I was not the first person to share.

    Standing face to face with each person I got some interesting comments. Some " I don't like your shoes, or the color of your hair". I was perplexed. REally? Come on! Give me something better than that! I went from being afraid of what  people were going to say to internally egging them on. Not fluffy stuff please. Something of substance. Finally I was standing in front of a tiny lady who I could tell was screwing her courage to the sticking place and although she avoided my eyes, she told me something real. I stood for a moment letting it land, and realized I didn't feel bad. The comment hung out there between us but didn't really stick to me. I thanked her, and we moved on.

    The gift of that experience was that when it was my turn, I tried hard to give honest feedback. No crap about your outfit or your hair. But instead about my experience of them in that moment. And the lightening bolt hit me right there. It was only MY experience of them. Mine! And if it rang for them great. If it didn't, they said thanks and moved on. My honesty with another human being is about me not them. What I am reflecting to them is what I recognize within myself. I cannot see in another that which I do not myself possess. And what really bugs the crap out of me about someone else is actually something I don't like about myself. The gift in the information is for me, not them.

    You can't hurt someone else with honesty. Now, let me qualify that. Honesty and judgment are not the same. Honesty comes as I, Me, My statements. I feel this ..... when..... or My feeling were hurt when.....
When it comes as a judgment of someone else, that is a different story. But if they are fairly aware, even then, they will realize that is your stuff, not theirs and move on.

    To navigate with honesty in the world is not about running around with a sledge hammer telling everyone exactly what you think of them.  It is about speaking my truth and then reflecting on the things about myself that I see mirrored in other people. Again, I cannot recognize something in another person that I do not embody myself. Got people in your life that drive you crazy? Take a close look in there. They are poking something you do not like about yourself. It is really comically enough, not about them.

    Honestly is self awareness. The willingness to look deep within and honour and recognize what you find there. Everyone else is in their own space, and they have the right to choose how they react to your honesty from the space they are operating from. Communicate from a place of love, not a place of attack and it will change your entire experience. This message is for you with love.

In love and light,
Kathryn

Ready, Set, Stretch.....

Stretch: "To move beyond one's comfort zone and realize that in moving from that space, beautiful growth and understanding is achieved. "

  Let me start by saying how grateful I am for everyone of you in my life. Wow. The support you have offered and simply given without being asked has been overwhelming. I am truly blessed in every corner of my life. May the divine allow that I give back in my lifetime to each of you tenfold of that which you have gifted me. Even then I think I would feel like the scale was tipped in my favour! Thank you for supporting my process and allowing me the space to get here in my own time.

   The last few weeks have been quite a journey. Surrender and Trust have been my mantras. I am painting my house and the process of moving furniture has lead to a number of cleansing processes. I am passing on all of the things I have held on to forever but haven't looked at in a coon's age. I have found many things I thought were lost. This has been a metaphor for my emotional life as well.  What I have noticed, is that when things get moved from the places they have always sat, it is somehow easier to surrender them. That got me thinking about what was happening on the inside of me as well. What things were shifting from where they have sat for the last 41 years, ready now to be released?

    My house is still in chaos but the process has been very therapeutic. I have taken truck loads of stuff to it's new homes. The colours are cheerful and very me. I feel happy in this space. I am home. It is a process of reclaiming and renewal. I am brightening on the inside and the out. Both spaces are now lit,  and my candle is burning.
 
   The Universe seems to send things down the conveyor belt exactly when I need them. Not always when I want them,  not on my time schedule, but definitely with a larger plan. I had a situation occur recently, that was as close a glimpse of the divine as I have seen in a while.

    Sometimes where we end up can look like it is totally incongruent with who we are. We stand with our hands on our hips thinking "How the hell did this happen? " I had a big one of those! But as always, when I found my patience, I was able to be a bit easier on myself and allow that there must have been a reason why I ended up in that place. Then I could laugh at myself and when I waited long enough for a little more of the mystery carpet to unroll, low and behold I was exactly where I was supposed to be in that moment. But I only figured that out when I had the courage to crawl way out to the very end of a thin branch and take a risk. Stretch. Put myself out there with no camouflage. Speak my truth and then sit quietly, humiliatingly, nakedly and uncomfortably (how's that for descriptive adjectives), and wait for an answer.

    The answer came in the most beautiful, kind and perfect way and illuminated that there was no mistake. Once again, the process was exactly what it was meant to be. And for me, it reinforced that speaking my truth and removing all the layers of protection that I sometimes armour myself up with, ended up bringing me closer to a new friend. In fact made it possible to cut through all the crap we do that makes relationships so unclear, so difficult to figure out. There in lies the gift. The treasure sitting right in front of us. When we come from a place of honesty there is truly very little risk, very little to fear. Fear is simply the illusion of separation from the divine. Clouds in the air may obscure the sky, but the sky is still up there. We cannot be separated from each other or the divine. The opposite of fear is actually beauty. Embracing all that is, as perfect in it's complexity or it's gentle simplicity. Perfect in it's lessons, if we choose to seek them in each moment.

    I am sure that there are some bumps ahead. I was having a conversation with a friend this morning and she commented that I seem like I am on a high. She is right. I feel content, centered and whole for the first time. I am firmly in the here and now. I am not looking forward or back. I am dipping my toes in the water and laughing at my own jokes. Sitting with my music and my cat on my lap, my dog under my feet feeling quite lucky and  lazy in the loveliest early afternoon way. She reminded me that when things shift, we always have choices, and that we can reach out to those around us and react with gratitude to regain that positive perspective. I nodded, but I think the biggest realization for me is that I am no longer afraid to allow whatever emotions are coming up to just come. Not to judge them as good or bad. To sit in that energy whatever it is and then let the emotion pass through me. It is like meditation. It is all mind stuff that gets in our way. The judgements about good or bad, right or wrong. My experience of it has been that if I can sit in it and not attach myself to it, it simply moves through me much faster than me trying to stuff the emotions I am not comfortable with back down. It is learning the lessons of surrender, allow and trust. Trusting the process to take me along the river where it wants me to be,  to where I already am on some level. What better company to arrive in than my own. To sit in the flow. To enjoy the ride.

    To stretch, and learn that sparky feeling that comes with it, is such a rush, and such an adventure! To remember that excitement and fear are physiologically the same. And from now on I am choosing excitement!

In love and light,
Kathryn

Vegas Anyone?

  Some times the timing of a conference is perfect, is it not?

   We were in Vegas this past weekend for an invisalign conference. We go every year as it is a great conference and who really needs an excuse to go to Vegas right? It is a landmark I look forward to every July.

   We arrived mid day on Thursday and had a little "retail therapy". My friend and I wandered into the Diane Von Furstenberg store fully not expecting to find anything, but retail is so dead in Vegas that two sales clerks descended on us in an almost surreal friendly way, and told us that they had all sizes in the back and that if there was anything they could do to help..... WELL! The long and the short of that was that we both walked out with lighter credit cards and a gorgeous DVF dress! And that was just the start. Two pairs of Kenneth Cole amazing high heels, Victoria Secret and every time we hit the till they further discounted whatever we had in our hands by about 50%! Is there such a thing as a retail orgasm? Because if there is, I had several. I forgot how fun it was to shop!

    First day of the conference was fantastic and in fact my first lecture I got so much great information it was worth the price of the trip. We got a ton of info on making sure we have more of a current web presence which is something I am interested in but not very conversant about. We met some great friends from Halifax and Montreal and decided to meet them for dinner and drinks. Sometimes I meet people and within hours it is like we are old friends. We went to La Cav at Wynn and had the most delicious dinner I have had in some time. Champagne and specialty beer were the highlights.

   Then the evening shifted and we ended up in a club there called XS. Wow. They do it big in Vegas don't they?  Girls, go go dancers, high end entertainment, and drinks at $17 bucks a pop! A table was $1500 ( two bottle minimum at $750 a bottle). I laughed ( and of course we stood ) as I am such a light weight I can't imaging enjoying a glass worth $100 enough to make that worth while.  That by the way should tell you a lot about my age LOL! We danced all night and had an amazing time until some 300lb very large black man stepped backwards onto my foot and broke the entire nail off my big toe! However a great time was had by all and body parts grow back.

   We didn't quite make the 8 am lecture but caught up not long after and thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the day. The late afternoon we meditated and then sat in the sun by the pool soaking up a bit of the 40 degree temperature before dressing up for the "Glory Days of Vegas Gala". The food was great but we didn't last too late as we were flying out early Sunday morning. By the pool we laughed about the fact we had only been outside twice for about an hour in three days. Vegas is like a giant internal city without windows, you never even need to see the strip, everything you need is found inside.

    An entire weekend spent with a dear friend, shopping, laughing until we were crying and meeting new friends. I have to say, it just doesn't get better than that. Until the customs guy at the Vegas airport was lingering over my friends passport and back to her face, passport, face. I piped up, "well she did look like that Thursday" and we both just cracked up!!!!!!!!

   In love and light,
Kathryn

  In love and light,

Emotional Abuse

  This has been a very hard thing to share but a tremendously important topic to address because I think it is far more common than I was ever aware of. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship. And I was afraid to tell anyone what was happening to me. I thought I was going crazy. I could not react fast enough or ever seem to do anything right. Those of you who know me, know I am a pretty smart cookie. Beyond book smart, I think I am reasonably street smart. But it turns out, not smart enough, I just didn't see this coming.

   I want to share this, because in the last two weeks two other people in my life have come forward and acknowledged that they are in the same situation. First, I want to applaud your courage for having the strength to say " I don't know what the heck is going on here but I think I need help". Being a victim of emotional abuse has nothing to do with how smart or stupid you are. It has everything to do with becoming a victim of someone who needs to be in control to a pathological degree.

    There are some things I have read that really helped me that I would like to share with you in case you or someone you love are in an unsafe situation. Often the men involved lay a very thick foundation the first six months. They are passionate, attentive and you are swept off your feet. Then little by little, they change and this person you don't know starts to undermine and belittle the things that you do. What did I do? Well I just tried harder. But what you need to understand, is that you can never win. It will never be enough. If you do figure out the rules, they will simply change them. Because it is not about getting it right, it is all about control.

    Is someone demanding to read your emails? Checking your phone? Are you required to phone from a certain location or only associate with approved friends? These are all warning signs. The two women that came to me this week both talked about how upset they were with all of their so called friends who disappeared when this individual came into their life. They were angry and devastated by that. I explained that they don't actually leave, most of them anyway. They have backed out of your life because they can't support what is happening to you. They don't want to enable the relationship in any way. When you leave, they will rush back in to catch you and instead of hearing " I told you so" you will likely hear what I heard which was "Are you okay? God we were so worried about you! " No one has the right to violate your privacy, control your actions or your behaviour. As women, we have fought so long and hard for the right to control ourselves, why would you or I ever give that power up to another person?

    Both women confided in me that they were afraid to be alone. Alone is not so bad ladies, trust me. Someone is not better than no one when that someone is making you stand in front of the mirror and hate who you see.  Alone is simply an opportunity to spend some time falling in love with yourself. As much as I hate to repeat the cliche, until you love yourself, you have nothing to offer anyone else. At 41, I can tell you it really is true. Don't be afraid to sit in the silence and hear your own wisdom. You will figure out you are a pretty amazing person just as you are. A gift from God.

    Love celebrates the person you are. It doesn't need to remake or remodel you. I am not a "fixer upper" and neither are you. Honour the person you are, and simply acknowledge that if a relationship is not working, it is not about you being a bad person or me being a bad person, we are simply not a match. Move on, end of story. You can compromise what restaurants you like to eat in but you cannot compromise who you are as a person.

    Being in an emotionally abusive relationship is like riding a rollercoaster only a lot less fun. If you think you or someone you know might be in trouble, there is a great book out there by Dr. Susan Forward on the subject. Be careful. When leaving you must be quick and decisive. These relationships can very quickly escalate into physical abuse when the abuser feels like they are losing control of the situation. Do your research and get out safely. There are women's shelters that will help you regain control of your life and you can let the police know what is happening as early as you are able so that they can support you should you have difficulty once you have left. Be safe, and ask for help. There is no shame in being in this place. It is very hard to see it coming. I know.

    The part of the book that explained what happens the best, talked about slot machines in Vegas. That in the early stages of the relationship they make sure they are on their best behaviour. They are paying off all the time. Later it becomes a lot like gambling. You might see Mr. Charming one out of every dozen pulls on the one arm bandit, but it is just enough to convince you he is still in there somewhere. That is what keeps us stuck. Move on and find a relationship that is healthy and supportive. You deserve it!

   In love and light,
Kathryn